How to tell if a relationship is working out or not
In 5 simple steps
Step 1 -Pre-views
How long have you known this person? Depending on the length of time you’ve known them, you can determine whether you know this person deeply or sufficiently enough to be able to judge their character in past, present, and future actions. For example, if you’ve known them under one year, you probably do not know them well enough to be able to confidently say you know and understand the way they work, the way they think, and the actions they may take given a certain situation. What I mean by this is that if this person won tickets to a once in a lifetime event, what would they do? Would they bring you? Would you want them to bring you? Would they not even tell you? And depending on the decision they would make, defines a key aspect of their personality. Perhaps they are selfish and would not take you but would rather bring someone else. Or maybe they are dishonest and would not even tell you about the tickets or the event hoping to avoid confrontation with you. Or maybe they would be happy to bring you, knowing how much it would mean to you. This scenario shows how truthful they are, as well as how much they may enjoy your company. So what kind of person are they?
So in this step we are going to look at your pre-views of this person. Get a piece of paper and answer the following scenarios to the best of your imagination.
Scenario 1: If ___ won the lottery, would they cut you in and share the winnings?
Scenario 2: If someone dear in ___’s life passed away, would they seek comfort from you, shut you out, or bluntly tell you and move on with life immediately?
Scenario 3: If ___ was mistakenly unpaid for a day at work and it reflected on their paycheck, would they call up yelling and swearing, calmly contact their work office to correct the problem as quickly as possible, or mean to ask when they went back to work but most likely forget?
Scenario 4: If ___ was potentially late to an appointment and there were school children about to cross the street, would they speed up to get past before the children crossed, stop and allow the children to cross, or make a turn onto the closest street to avoid it altogether?
Scenario 1 determines your view of this person’s selfishness vs selflessness. How selfish do you think they are?
Scenario 2 determines your view of this person’s comfort level showing emotion/vulnerability to you. How comfortable do you think they are with you?
Scenario 3 determines your view of this person’s maturity level. Do you think they have a good sense of professionalism or sophistication?
Scenario 4 determines your view of this person’s sense of responsibility. Do you think they are responsible or reliable?
If you are still unsure, try using a scale 1-10, 1 being the least, 10 being the most.
Step 2 –Re-view YOU
Maybe from step 1 you’ve thought of a few times this person has let you down, been selfish, or was responsible and always there for you. Great. Take a look at those answers from the above scenarios. If any of those numbers are under 5, then that is a weak point this person has, but that might not be necessarily a problem in determining whether your relationship is working out with them.
Now I want you to answer the same 4 scenarios, but for yourself. And be truthful with yourself, lying helps no one. After you answer the questions, how do yours and theirs compare? If you used the scale system, and you and their points for each are 3 points or under from each other, then you are similar people and probably do not have any problem with each other. If your answers differ highly from them, then you are 2 very different people with different maturity levels, sense of responsibility, self, and comfort level with emotions.
Step 3 –Common Values and Interests
Compare the following KEY Values of them and you.
Family- How often they see, hear from, or visit their family/your family. How close they are with siblings and parents. How YOU fit into their family/how THEY fit into YOUR family. If they/you want children/to be parents/if they/you would be good parents.
Marriage- Do you both believe in marriage? Do you see marriage in the future?
Lifestyle- Live in Urban, Suburban or Rural? Apartment or house? Travel often, some, or not at all? How social a lifestyle will they lead/you lead?
Money- How much should they make? How much should you make? How much should you both make collectively? How much should be spent on fun things? How much is appropriate to spend on a gift for another?
Religion- Religious views? Holiday practices? Churches/Temples?
If there are drastic differing opinions, then the relationship will not be stable and cause plenty more arguments in the future and the relationship should undergo reconsideration for separation.
Common Interests are also a part of a relationships that mae it more relatable between two people. If you both enjoy doing the same things, the relationship can be a breeze. So consider how you and they feel about the following topics:
Education, Work, Sports, Current Events, Holidays, Health, Community, Charity, Animals, Games, Shopping, and many other misc. activities or subjects you can think of.
Step 4 –Communication
Discuss your relationship with them. No decision can be made here until you talk things over. You need to always give the person a chance to explain themselves and any misunderstandings there may be between you and them. Go over the good, the bad, and what can be improved so you BOTH are happy. Explain feelings, make apologies where necessary, and remind them how much you meant to them. Make sure all feelings are clearly understood. Talking out problems can be beneficial as long as you take turns talking and keep an open mind. Many problems can be resolved this way.
If there are larger issues then figure out what you need to do to improve them, write them down and actively strive toward the goal to make it better each day until it is no longer a problem.
Remember to breathe, stretch, and distress. Unwinding is a necessary part of a day. Relaxation puts everyone in a better mood, so it’s best to leave each other be for a time with no arguing or talking.
Step 5 –Decision
Only YOU can decide if a relationship is worth the effort to make it work.
But keep this in mind: When the bad outweighs the good, someone needs to be done or else both parties happiness is at stake. Marriage counseling, breaks apart from each other, working it out together, or breaking up altogether may be the solutions to consider.