I’m not one of those old souls with inborn wisdom, I earned every ounce by screwing up and dating idiots!
My objective today is to get you to realize you need to raise your standards. In order to find someone truly amazing you have to find/make yourself first, and be completely unapologetic about who you are. I know that sounds cliche as hell, but I just love throwing the truth at people. Especially if it hurts a little.
Don't get hung up on the first person who shows interest in you and for Bhudda's sakes, quit idealizing people. We are all flawed. We all have a little crazy in us. Some carry around a lot more crazy than others, so don’t think because someone looks good on paper that they’re going to be a good romantic partner.
For example, I dated a guy who seemed perfect. He was charismatic, he had many friends and a seemingly active social life, was athletic and popular from preschool to college and had a bachelor’s degree in science. It wasn’t until a few months in that I started realizing he was becoming overly clingy. It started with him making up stupid reasons to call or text, even when he knew I was busy. He started inviting himself to my girls’ nights, or just showing up at my apartment as if he was in the neighborhood(he lived 30 minutes away, in the next town). I started to realize that his happiness was dependent on my actions and whether or not he saw or talked to me. Our relationship took a turn for the creepy.
Finally, I wised up and asked a mutual friend about his previous relationships, and said mutual friend confirmed my fears- that my ex was a serial clinger-and batshit crazy. The mutual friend used the words “obsessive-possessive” and went on to describe my ex as a great friend, but terrible at relationships.
Turns out, my ex has major abandonment issues stemming from his adoption and desperately needs to seek counseling. I didn't think twice about breaking up with him, and felt zero guilt for doing it. Why? Because his abandonment issues were not my problem. I refuse projects I‘m not getting paid for, and you should too. Hopefully my ex will seek counseling and have a functional relationship someday, but no one should have to work on him, or anyone like him, unless they're a paid counselor.
I've known people who have stayed in relationships very similar to my experience to try to fix the other person. In the end(and relationships like that ALWAYS end), they're emotionally drained and made absolutely no impact on the other person.
Why would anyone in stay in a situation like that? Because they don’t realize there’s someone better out there, someone more suitable, someone sane, stable, more interesting, someone more compatible?
Don‘t settle, and DO NOT put work into someone you just started dating-a new relationship should be easy, not draining or stressful. Don’t delve into a human project unless you’re a psychiatrist and getting paid heavily for it.
It’s not your job to fix anyone but yourself.