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Should You Work a Retail Job?

By Edited Nov 13, 2013 1 0

Maybe. It's only the worst job ever.

Actually, for many masochists the world over, a job in retail is a phenomenal paradise of eternal pain and frustration.  I have worked many jobs, and none can compare to the evil of retail.  If you are even a semi-intelligent individual, you will find yourself being mocked, degraded, put down, emotionally abused, and dead-ended in a retail environment such as Wal-Mart, Lowes, Home Depot, Target, Walgreens or any of the other big box stores.  Then pouring heaps of salt into the wound, the source of the onslaught of insults coming your way will always be from extremely simple-minded management who are likely years away from a GED even in their 40's and 50's.

Like many Americans, you might be unemployed and thinking "At least retail is a job right? It's better than nothing!"  WRONG!!  Retail employees dream of unemployment.  After all their normal hopes and dreams of a successful life have been smashed to tiny bits every day on the job by condescending supervisors, the only thing left is the tiny sparkle of hope that they might get lucky enough to be laid off or fired.

Now after reading that little tidbit you STILL have a mind to apply at one of these places and make it a career, I will have mercy upon your sad little soul and give you the secrets to being as successful as possible in retail:

In spite of all your past experiences where hard work equals promotion, retail is quite different.  Hard work gets you nowhere.  Hard workers are viewed as being dumb animals like an ox that can perform physically demanding tasks, but have no aptitude for any other task.  Work hard and stay at the same position where you are at forever.
The way to move UP (where you will find that as pay slowly moves up, duties/responsibilities and time out of your day skyrockets exponentially) is to be a "kiss ass."  You must transform yourself into an entirely phony individual that appears to worship the company you work for and all managers above you, to get anywhere.  You must act like you do all the work in the store and that you are trying to motivate all other employees to work to the best of their abilities (even if they already outwork you 10 to 1).  Act like you care about the private interests of the management team - remember, retail is like being back in elementary school: Your "teachers" think of you as a child and like when you give them an apple or whatever.  Usually this process of always telling management what they want to hear results in not ONLY promotion, but the slow and painful sacrifice of your soul as well.  You will develop into a mindless drone, a robot, in eternal service to the company you have chosen to "worship."

I expect that some readers who have never worked in retail may disregard my wisdom presented here, but let me assure you that all of the above is entirely without exaggeration. Please take heed of my warnings and steer clear of ANY retail job application.  See the link in my signature for more reading about the nightmare that is retail.



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