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So you're two hours clean, What now? 12 - step? Recovery?

By Edited Oct 11, 2015 0 0

So you're two hours clean and you sit there in shock, still not able to absorb how you have blown your life to heck. Parents don't want to talk to you anymore. Girlfriends or wives have left. It is slowly dawning on you that your life is no longer working. You are not fooling your employer, or the police or your landlord. The shame seems unbearable and huge. What now?

Get Thee to a 12-step program. The Christians may tell you, to "pray on it." Don't get me wrong, prayers are nice. But prayers are done alone with you and God. Haven't you already proved to yourself how well you can lie to yourself? They say God sees all, which he does. Isn't that why you have DUI? Why you got kicked out of your apartment. How you lost custody of your kids? But that didn't sober you up. What you need is ACCOUNTABILITY.

If you show up at a 12-step meeting, you have a goal. If you can make 7 meetings in 7 days, you have a bigger goal. But maybe you can't plan that far ahead. How about you just try to get directions to the first meeting? And you show up, and you take a chair, and you admit, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. Whew, that was the hardest part. Now, the healing can begin. Now you can start a new life. Now you can figure out when the second meeting meets.

The meetings consist of a bunch of people like you and not like you. Some will come again. Some have been coming for years. It's heartwarming and refreshing to see addicts helping addicts. Do you think one day that could be you? That you could be the one holding out a hand, buying a newbie a book, gifting someone with a ride, or even sponsoring? Or is it still too much to think about?

If you need to, take it slow. Overwhelming your self is how you got on drugs and/or alcohol to begin with, remember? Pretending you could handle everything, without a soul to talk to. You were never honest. Not with your kids, not with your spouse, certainly not ever with your Self. Because if you were honest, you would have to admit you were in pain. You would have to feel some uncomfortable feelings. You would have to face the world like a normie, and God only knows how they do it. No one will ever be as a special as you. No one could possibly mess up so big time. . . .

Except, what if they have? What if someone in the 12-step group speaks to you, speaks directly to your heart? What if their story cuts right through your blue and makes sense? Someone else might have done all you have done and worse, messed up their sister's wedding? Missed their parent's funeral? Lost a job? Made a fool of themselves at a company party? Ended up with an unplanned pregnancy? Could there be other people who have done the same thing, and managed to live for the shame? Or, God forbid, is there even someone there who is worse than you. Makes you feel sort of alright. Ok, so you drink too much, but it seems to be only beer, it's not HARD liquor.

STOP, don't play with games with yourself. Don't duck and cover under the mask any more. Your family misses you. They don't hate you, they hate what you do. They hate your self righteous instability. They hate that you won't pay the bills, but you find the money for cigarettes and Vicodin. They hate that you don't eat breakfast with them anymore, because you're asleep, and hung over, and busy having no life that you can remember.

It would be so great if you would do the 12-steps. It would be so nice if you would get to the meeting and listen.



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