So how do you end up the smartest?

(author realizes he can't think of a clever subheading in this article...gets mad...leaves)

(...returns after eating a gallon of Rocky Road Ice Cream)

Before you begin, I just want to say, congrats on wanting to be smarter. If you came across this by accident and have no intentions of bettering yourself, still read it. Odds are you’d just waste your time on something else anyway, right?

               Let us begin

Step 1: 

Be born into a family of well-off scientists, significant wealth, Third-World-Country nobility, or the second son of God. If you can’t seem to manage this step, give up now and put this book down (just kidding, but these factors DO HELP). This will aid you in being able to attend the best (which of course means “most expensive” systems of education money can buy. Probably in France or Washington D.C. However, if you’ve failed Step 1, proceed to Step 6.

Step 2: 

If you’ve made it this far, there’s only a .06% chance you’re not lying. So I’m simply leaving the majority of you with an angry message: 


Step 3

Well, you’re still reading so I guess I can’t stop free will…*gives up reluctantly and soaks a headband in liquefied peppers as self-punishment due to ensuing depression* Anyhow, avoid, if possible, developing any significant disabilities. These may hamper your ability to absorb (or comprehend) certain information. Sorry Michael J. Fox…this does mean you. That’s right, I said it!

Step 4:

Don’t do drugs! They’re bad and mess up your brain, decreasing your chances of suddenly developing a photographic memory, etcetera. Also, they’re socially unaccepted. So if you do them and society rejects them, they will reject you and you will seem stupid. Not smart. Think about it!!!

Note – Step 4 does not apply to you if you are the second son of God. I assume you have powers to avert this crisis. Well done, New Jesus! Or do you prefer Christ Two?

Step 5: 

Have your parents (or primary caregiver – perhaps you were adopted into foreign nobility) teach you to speak fluent English and write at a ludicrously young age. If you, also, saw Meet the Fockers, then do what that child did (for the cave-people who haven’t seen this hilarious film, they taught the baby sign language to communicate before he could speak).

Step 5.5: 

(Didn’t know I could use decimals, did you?) On a continuing note of Step 4, learn absolutely every significant language in the world. This will dazzle people at parties and come in handy once every two or three years with a foreign exchange student, a local Home Depot, or more so if you became a professional translator! Significant languages include Spanish, Japanese, whatever they speak in Africa, French, China-Talk, Hebrew, Latin (just kidding!), German, and maybe a few classes on Dutch. I think that’s a language

Step 6:  [Skip if you were a practical applicant to Step 1] 

So you’re not Nobility of some small, Philippine Island, or an ancestor of Isaac Newton? - no worries. There are alternative routes for you. Winning the lottery is an unlikely, but notable help. This gives you money, which gives you respect, ergo, makes you seem smarter. When people ask, “How’d you get your money?” I suggest lying and saying you are a heart surgeon or helped develop the iPhone, or cured Communism. *Warning:  if you say heart surgeon they may also be a heart surgeon, so weigh the risks with the benefits carefully, as they will see through your clever disguise unless you really are a heart doctor who also managed to win the lottery…either way—*

Step 7: 

Start school years before any practical age, learning quantum physics and political theories before the age of five, then when you come home, study nonstop (eating and sleeping are permitted alternatives in moderation). Have only one or two friends (this is all you will have time for – maybe pick foreign exchange students seeing as you know their language now). Having a few prestigious colleagues suggests you’re not easily won, making you seem mysterious, and in the right person’s eyes this can be mistaken for intelligence. But it’s also cool to speak other languages in front of people. See how it all connects together??

Step 8:

So now you’re in college (if not Harvard, then Yale is an excusable alternative). Take every science, math, politics, and art course you can find. Art is acceptable as you may apply and incorporate your learned political views, or scientific ideas into your art medium. Learn these courses and graduate as valedictorian. If one of your students appears to be a risk to this goal, kill him. If you don’t have it in your to do that (you should…because it would be a “smart” thing to do), then convince him (by whatever means) to drop out. Afterwards, become either a scientist or a college dean. If either one seems “out of reach” pick the other. If both seem out of reach, you lied about Step 1!

Step 9:  

I’ll be honest. I didn’t expect anyone to actually get this far in so if you did, give yourselves a creepy, imaginary pat on the back. If you don’t want to feel weird doing it, imagine a large Panda Bear that speak English, and has personified characteristics patting you on your back. It always helps me. Noooowwww…back to becoming smarter than everyone else except everyone listed in my title.

         Historical Breakthrough! You need one now! Seeing as you’ve developed a prolific education and are a serious wiz in countless ways, you need your mark on history. In other words, become famous. Either through your art, become President (not Senator – that’s too low for you), cure an illness (this one is often a good choice…cancer or AIDS would be cool to cure right now), or even make a New York Times Bestselling book about your ideas and concepts. Being a household name means people know you’ve done something important and automatically assume you’re smart (but if you really did this… seriously are smart as heck)

Step 10. 

Repeat steps 7 through 9 if you can reverse time (the scientist part of you) and go back to being a child who retains all the information he knows now, meanwhile not disrupting the timeline enough that the world becomes entirely populated by Orcs. This would be bad and not a very smart-person thing to do.

Congratulations on finishing this report. Either you’ve just developed time travel and cured world hunger, or you’ve wasted eight and a half minutes of your life. Sorry to 99.4% of you guys…um…BYE!

*author leaves quickly, acknowledging a glowing mass of pitchfork-bearing, angered readers in the distance*