So Here's Some Ways To Free Up that Little Dollie's Soul

Without getting rid of it! (because we all need our dolls)

First off:  Why are dolls so creepy?

The answer is simple. They’re trapped souls inside a fragile casing. They must be set free so the following steps instruct you on freeing the trapped soul of a doll (only works on porcelain dolls – not plastic, rubber, wood, rag, or clumps of hair that look like a face…sorry other dolls).

So Step 1:  Ask yourself this

“Is it Male or Female?” If you can’t tell, find out. Do this by whatever means you may. Maybe there’s a tag that says JARED or ANABELLE or something like that. If it does, thank goodness. You’ve been saved lots of awkward trouble along the way. Why do we need to know this? Because. It gives you a heads up. It’s a well-known fact that boys are more difficult that girls. In this case, boys (for the most part) are demons trapped inside dolls, while girls (I’m pretty sure) are just eleven year old Asian girls who got stuck on the set of an anime film and fell victim to being soul-trapped. A sad, sad ending to an innocent child’s soul. Be aware that female dolls may also be demons…it’s probably more likely, too. Oh well.

Step 2:  Molasses!

You’re going to need some. Don’t have any? Buy some. Can’t afford it? Steal it. Don’t want to break the law…give up. You’re obviously not that determined on freeing this demon/Asian anime girl. So why molasses and not peanut butter or even Elmer’s Glue, you ask? Well, this is to make sure that the transition between the Doll World and our world is smooth and doesn’t erupt into earthquakes and cause tsunamis, hail storms, Blablabla—you know how those demon curses work. You’re going to drill a small hole in the head of your doll and fill it with the goo. I suggest using a titanium plated syringe to put in the molasses (it’s thick) in case, while filling it, a spirit erupts from the doll and tries to crush your syringe to prevent freeing it (maybe it thinks it’s comfy in there, I honestly don’t know). Titanium is hard to squish so that’s my only idea on preventing this. Once it’s all filled up with molasses, the doll will be heavy. So a hernia is possible. If your doctor has put you in a risk zone of developing one, I advise finding some friends to help you do this. On the other hand, they may think you’re insane and report you. If you have kids that can be taken away…you probably shouldn’t call over any friends.

*Fun Fact – 4 out of every 7 dolls are possessed (according to a poll I took from several local doll communities). So if you have a doll shop or collection, you’ve been warned*

Step 3:  Hang it from a ceiling fan with rope around its neck.

There’s no real explanation for this one. It just looks creepy and fits the scene if you’re making a movie about this as you’re doing it. Maybe as a school project on freeing spirits this would be a good Showroom Effect. No rhyme or reason, but it looks evil, making it also seem more believable. But for the audience, give them a made up excuse on why this is necessary. One example:  “It helps put pressure on the spirit, elevates its consciousness and…” You get it. Basically say the stuff in scary movies that makes you think, that stunk!

Step 4:  Read from the Bible:

Anywhere. Doesn’t matter. But I saw it work in an Exorcism movie and in a few books I read as a kid so this probably helps. Try and read red text (what Jesus said). If you say it in an intimidating voice (provided it’s a demon) he might confuse you for the son of God, get scared, and leave the doll vessel he’s inside. One last tip would be finding a priest or rabbi to say these things. He’s probably got more experience at sounding intimidating and angry with all the public speaking so he may be better fit. If this fails, here are five other possible ways of extracting your doll’s soul.

5:  Ancient Indian Burial Grounds (had to get to this one at some point)

If you happen to live near any Indian Burial Grounds this is perfect. Simply find the man who owns the grounds, get permission to bury the doll there, wait for Friday the 13th (full moon in a MUST), bury it, Google some old demonic chants and wait to see what happens…if there is a spirit in your doll it will probably have awakened and taken on its natural form by now. Or claimed a new vessel, which could be even more devastating. By this point you should probably leave/run like heck. There is a small possibility of causing a zombie apocalypse using this method so use with caution.

6:  Fire (burn, baby, burn!)

We’ve all experienced a burn. It hurts, right? So it might hurt the spirit to and get it so riled up and mad that it is expelled right out of the doll. This is equally effective on both demons and Asian anime souls. Start slowly, feeding it small amounts of flame – kindling it – until it gets to a massive blaze. If none of these things have worked at getting rid of the ghostly thing, go on to the next step.

7:  Ask

It may have occurred to you already, but if it didn’t, just ask the spirit to leave the doll. Maybe it was just sleeping there and forgot to wake up. Simply say, “Hey, demon/anime set victim! Go away.” I am sure it will probably just acknowledge your disappointment, feel guilty, and leave.

8:  Play Classical Music

If this doll is possessed by a more modern-day demon there is a chance it doesn’t like Classical Music (or Opera is another commonly hated choice) because it only likes JZ or Chris Brown. Play it - the classical stuff - on loud speakers until it gets irritated and leaves the doll, probably destroying your speakers out of spite first. So use cheap speakers or something.

*another “irritant” to demons is the sound of water dropping. It annoys me so it probably annoys them too!*

9:  Bring it to a church

If it is a demon it is not allowed on holy ground (graveyards may work also) so if you take the doll onto holy grounds, the demon can’t go with it. So it stays behind, being left outside the doll. Brilliant, I know.

10:  Reality

There’s a huge chance that all of this is completely ridiculous and wrong, therefore, it may not be a demon or Asian anime child at all. It may just be a plain, regular doll and you’ve wasted a jar of molasses, some fire, and good rope. Sorry, in that case. You need to pick your dolls carefully. Only do this on cursed/possessed dolls. Otherwise you’re just…well, crazy.

Author’s Note:  The microwave works as well if fire is hard to come by. It will cause the doll to explode and the spirit will have nowhere to nest.

*thinks silently*

Then again, going by that logic, if you just smashed the doll that might free it too. It would be cheaper, safer, and more rational. Hmm.