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Ten Things I Never Want to Find in My Pizza Crust

By Edited Nov 13, 2013 1 1
Escargot Pizza
Credit: Escargot Pizza Photo Courtesy M. Carpentier at Flickr Creative Commons
Escargot Pizza
Credit: Escargot Pizza Photo Courtesy M. Carpentier at Flickr Creative Commons

Why Over-Innovation Is Not Always a Plus

New restaurants fail at a higher rate than almost any new other business, so I get it—if you aren’t moving forward like a gourmet shark, you’re dead in the water.

 Still, even successful restaurants can ‘jump the shark’ with innovations that are SO ambitious they make you cringe. Knowing when to stop is at least 30% of culinary creativity, and IMO we are already seeing signs of a full-scale shark jumping.

Witness the following recent fast food ‘innovations':

  • A fried chicken sandwich that consists of a friend chicken breast with cheese nestled between two other fried chicken breasts instead of bread
  • A triple cheeseburger containing more calories than the average man should eat in an entire day, and last but not least…
  • A hot dog stuffed pizza crust

Seriously?  

I thought we’d seen the pinnacle of pizza heresy years ago with the ‘Hawaiian Pizza.” You know the one: pineapple, green pepper, and ham with pizza sauce and mozzarella cheese.

But then came the hideous buffalo chicken ranch dressing pizza, the taco pizza, the cheeseburger pizza, and yes, Virginia, that awful hot dog crust monstrosity.

So before things get any farther out of hand, let me just sent this heartfelt message to all the giant fast food restaurant chains that are trying way too hard:

 STOP!

 Here are ten foods (for starters) I never want to find in my pizza crust:

Why Over-Innovation Is Not Always a Plus

New restaurants fail at a higher rate than almost any new other business, so I get it—if you aren’t moving forward like a gourmet shark, you’re dead in the water.

 Still, even successful restaurants can ‘jump the shark’ with innovations that are SO ambitious they make you cringe. Knowing when to stop is at least 30% of culinary creativity, and IMO we are already seeing signs of a full-scale shark jumping.

Witness the following recent fast food ‘innovations':

  • A fried chicken sandwich that consists of a friend chicken breast with cheese nestled between two other fried chicken breasts instead of bread
  • A triple cheeseburger containing more calories than the average man should eat in an entire day, and last but not least…
  • A hot dog stuffed pizza crust

Seriously?  

I thought we’d seen the pinnacle of pizza heresy years ago with the ‘Hawaiian Pizza.” You know the one: pineapple, green pepper, and ham with pizza sauce and mozzarella cheese.

But then came the hideous buffalo chicken ranch dressing pizza, the taco pizza, the cheeseburger pizza, and yes, Virginia, that awful hot dog crust monstrosity.

So before things get any farther out of hand, let me just sent this heartfelt message to all the giant fast food restaurant chains that are trying way too hard:

 STOP!

 Here are ten foods (for starters) I never want to find in my pizza crust:

Shrimp Pizza
Credit: Shrimp Pizza Courtesy WordRidden at Flickr Creative Commons
Shrimp Pizza
Credit: Shrimp Pizza Courtesy WordRidden at Flickr Creative Commons

1)   Goose Live Pate  Yes Paris is beautiful in the spring, and yes most of the money in the US has floated to the top, but please, please, please do not present me with an escargot, brie, and pate fois gras pizza. The French only eat snails and goose liver to annoy us. Leave it alone.

2)   Tofu  Which part of the toe is this food from, anyway? Just because it takes on the flavor of anything you cook it with doesn’t mean it would be great in a goat cheese, baby bella, and tofu pizza. You know what else takes on the flavor of pizza crust? Pizza crust.

3)   Chipotle Most people don’t realize this, but the poor chipotle chile has been so overused in everything from dark chocolate to bran cereal that it is now almost extinct in the wild. OK, that’s a lie. But it could be true, and it will be true if it starts showing up in pizza crust.

4)   Salted Caramel  The hottest new flavor at Starbucks and every ice cream chain in America does not belong in pizza crust. Ever. Enough said.

5)   Lox Hey here’s a great innovation: Bagel pizza! Start with a plain bagel crust, top with a schmear of cream cheese and stuff the crust with smoked salmon! I’m kidding, of course. Haven’t the Jews suffered enough?

6)   Hot dog  I know this has actually been done, but so far, it's only been done in England. And that makes sense, because if you mess with an American’s pizza pie in this severely unpatriotic way, you’re asking for another revolution. Hot dogs are for baseball games, not pizza crusts.

7)   Bacon No, everything is NOT better with bacon. For instance, bacon does NOT belong in chocolate chip cookies, candy bars, lattes, or pizza crust. Please, stop the madness!

8)   Jumbo shrimp If you think that any kind of seafood belongs on a pizza you are either a) from New Orleans, or b) an otter. I know that in some parts of the US, fish tacos are so popular they can’t make them fast enough, but in most other parts of the country a fish taco is an off color politically incorrect joke. Shrimp pizza? Way worse.

9)   Anchovies  Anchovies are small salty fish packed in oil that are chock full of omega-3 fatty acids, calcium, and all kinds of other good things for your body, plus, they are completely disgusting. Yes they are traditional Italian fare. No I don’t want them in my pizza crust.
 
10) Fingers I know that if you find one of these in your hamburger it's like winning the lottery: Off the the lawyer's office with you and then just sit back and wait for your settlement. Call me crazy, but I'd rather stay poor and NOT find a finger in my pizza crust. Ditto fingernails, hair, bugs, and small rodents. I'm quirky that way. 

1)   Goose Live Pate  Yes Paris is beautiful in the spring, and yes most of the money in the US has floated to the top, but please, please, please do not present me with an escargot, brie, and pate fois gras pizza. The French only eat snails and goose liver to annoy us. Leave it alone.

2)   Tofu  Which part of the toe is this food from, anyway? Just because it takes on the flavor of anything you cook it with doesn’t mean it would be great in a goat cheese, baby bella, and tofu pizza. You know what else takes on the flavor of pizza crust? Pizza crust.

3)   Chipotle Most people don’t realize this, but the poor chipotle chile has been so overused in everything from dark chocolate to bran cereal that it is now almost extinct in the wild. OK, that’s a lie. But it could be true, and it will be true if it starts showing up in pizza crust.

4)   Salted Caramel  The hottest new flavor at Starbucks and every ice cream chain in America does not belong in pizza crust. Ever. Enough said.

5)   Lox Hey here’s a great innovation: Bagel pizza! Start with a plain bagel crust, top with a schmear of cream cheese and stuff the crust with smoked salmon! I’m kidding, of course. Haven’t the Jews suffered enough?

6)   Hot dog  I know this has actually been done, but so far, it's only been done in England. And that makes sense, because if you mess with an American’s pizza pie in this severely unpatriotic way, you’re asking for another revolution. Hot dogs are for baseball games, not pizza crusts.

7)   Bacon No, everything is NOT better with bacon. For instance, bacon does NOT belong in chocolate chip cookies, candy bars, lattes, or pizza crust. Please, stop the madness!

8)   Jumbo shrimp If you think that any kind of seafood belongs on a pizza you are either a) from New Orleans, or b) an otter. I know that in some parts of the US, fish tacos are so popular they can’t make them fast enough, but in most other parts of the country a fish taco is an off color politically incorrect joke. Shrimp pizza? Way worse.

9)   Anchovies  Anchovies are small salty fish packed in oil that are chock full of omega-3 fatty acids, calcium, and all kinds of other good things for your body, plus, they are completely disgusting. Yes they are traditional Italian fare. No I don’t want them in my pizza crust.
 
10) Fingers I know that if you find one of these in your hamburger it's like winning the lottery: Off the the lawyer's office with you and then just sit back and wait for your settlement. Call me crazy, but I'd rather stay poor and NOT find a finger in my pizza crust. Ditto fingernails, hair, bugs, and small rodents. I'm quirky that way. 

Vegan Tofu Pizza
Credit: Vegan Tofu Pizza Photo Courtesy Saltatempo at Flickr Creative Commons
Vegan Tofu Pizza
Credit: Vegan Tofu Pizza Photo Courtesy Saltatempo at Flickr Creative Commons
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Comments

May 2, 2012 8:48am
CRRookwood
Thanks Multiman! I emailed Infobarrel about the pix showing up double but I haven't heard back. When I try to edit, it looks normal, but then I click 'save' and it's still wrong. Arrrrgghh!
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