Ten things he'll do on a first date that will make you drop your pasta alfredo and run!
The night has come. You're dressed from head to toe. You've put on your best outfit-not too long , not too short! Just sexy enough. You've shown enough cleavage to look delicious but not enough to be called a tramp. You've brushed your teeth till it looks pearly. You've let all your hair down and brushed it a million time till it shines. The nails are done. The toes are done! The lip gloss glows nicely on your lips. You look as perfect as you can look. You grab your fake gucci bag and you're ready to go! You're nervous cause it's another blind date and the last one did not go too well. But you're hoping...being a woman, you have hope! You hope to God you find a good man tonight!
You take a cab and stop right in front the Italian restaurant where he told you to meet him. You're so nervous you feel the sweat running down the sides of your face. If you sweat a little more, your make up will run. With a deep breath, you make your plunge...it's do or die...You enter...
This scenario is the life of 65% of women who go on blind dates. The nervousness is overwhelming because you never know what to expect on such dates. He might say he's six feet then when you see him he might be a midget. He might send you a pic of a guy resembling Denzil Washinton but he might end up looking like the Christmas grinch. He might boast of loving Perry Ellis perfumes but he might end up wearing a cheap eau de toillette that smells like eau de TOILET! But even when these mishaps occur, there is nothing worse than a man with bad table manners and poor etiquette. If you are one like me, I would rather date a frog that knew how to sip his wine than a prince who dropped alfredo sauce on his chin and was comfortable in his ignorance.
Here are a list of dating scenarios you do not want to find yourself in. Ever!! Neither how single you are, these human disasters on dates are never worth it and will literally make you leave that plate of alfredo pasta right there regardless of how delicious it is!
Dating disaster number one: He belches and farts around the dinner table.
You're seated at the table now about to enjoy your meal. He's just asked you what are your hobbies and you are in the process of telling him when suddenly he belches loudly. You look at him slightly embarrassed but he indicates to proceed as if nothing happened. As you continue talking, you suddenly smell something bad. You know it can't be the garlic bread because that smells superb. You realize what it is..ewww! He chuckles and rubs his tummy. "I guess it's all those refried beans I ate earlier, hehehe."
Take your purse and leave the pasta alfredo right there!
Dating disaster number two: He plays with himself.
You're sipping some cheap red wine while you listen to him talk about himself. The conversation is not going bad but every few seconds, his hand seems to disappear under the table. He's talking but his hands are caressing his shoulders, his chest...He can't seem to stop touching himself. Before long, you realize shamefacedly that his disappearing hand is actually giving those 'boys' a litle squeeze of assurance every few minutes. You don't know if he has an itch or if he is masturbating. You don't know if his smile if from nervousness or if he is simply enjoying what his hands are doing. You start to feel disgust.
Leave the cheap wine right there and go!
Dating disaster number three: El cheapo
You've just sat down at the table and both of you are perusing the menu. He wants to know what you're going to order before the waitress returns. You tell him the white Italian wine sounds good and maybe the chicken parmesan salad with some soup. You think you're keeping it humble when he suddenly looks confused and starts patting his pocket. "Oops!" he says automatically, "Darn I forgot my credit card home! How did that happen? I only have four dollars and three dollars is to pay my cab. Wanna go dutch?... or...I'll pay you back next time?"
Leave el cheapo and go! Let him find a dollar meal on the menu!
Dating disaster number four: The liar.
He's just ordered you dessert and you think he isn't bad. You put your fork into your white chocolate cheesecake and politely ask him about yourself. You've just told him everything about your career and you are interested in hearing his goals.
"So how do you like teaching?" you ask.
"Mmm...it's ok.." he mutters. You're confused. You expected more from this conversation.
"Didn't you say you were an English teacher?"
"Errr...I said that? Errrr....actually I ...I...help k-k-kids do homework..."
"I see. So you're a tutor then?"
"Kinda? Well are you or aren't you?" You're getting pissed now.
"Well they ask for help if they see me on the corridor..."
"Huh? I'm lost."
"Well if I'm mopping and stuff and they need help with homework they might ask me.....I'm a janitor...but I know how to spell stuff for them and I help them with a little Math- two plus two equals four!" His smile shows how proud he is of his achievements. But he has lied ALOT!
Excuse yourself, don't eat another forkful of cheesecake. Just keep walking!
Dating disaster number five: Mr Macho.
At thirty nine, he still walks with a bounce and slicks his head with gel. When he pulls the chair for you, you could have sworn you felt him grope your bum just a bit. Nah...it had to be your imagination! You feel as if he's talking to your cleavage instead of you because his eyes linger in that direction constantly and he keeps licking his lips. He keeps addressing you as "mama", "little lady", "shorty" and "mamacita". When you politely tell him that you have a name and he should refer to you by your name, he stares at your boobs and says, "You shore are a fiesty l'il creature, ain't you, lil mama!"
You've had enough of his mamacita crap! Make your exit!
Dating disaster number six: Mr No Table Manners
You're at the dinner table. You've ordered the pasta fettucini and he's ordered the spaghetti and meatballs. You watch in dismay as he struggles with the knife and fork. Finally, when he can't take it anymore, to your horror, he begins scooping up the meatballs with his hand and putting it into his mouth. In no time, his hands have turned the colour of tomato sauce and he takes up his glass with the same dirty hand and noisily gulps his mountain dew. You feel all eyes on your table, watching you, judging you...and you're so embarrassed! "You're so beautiful!" he says and you see meatball stuck between his teeth and tomato sauce dripping from his chin.
Girl, pick up your dignity and leave!
Dating disaster number seven: He's a maniac
He comes to the date wearing a tight superman t-shirt and dirty black spectacles. He stares at you throughout the meal but hardly says two words. Every now and then, he mutters something unintelligible under his breath and smiles to himself. You feel as if you are on this date alone. Then he gains the courage to speak. Breathlessly, he rants how he believes aliens will take over the planet next five years and asks you if you've ever been to out of space. He stares at you hard and waits for your answer.
He's mad and probably escaped from the mental faculty. Leave him alone!
Dating disaster number eight: The booger lover.
You're at the dinner table. He's chatting up a storm but ever so often, his hand goes to his nose. Is his nose itchy? Nope. He has the booger fever! He just can't get enough of his boogers and seems to be digging a gold mine in there. As he chats, his finger unconsciously flick booger pieces all over. You feel as if you have to be constantly dodging his booger ammunition. You look at the parmesan cheese sprinkled over your pasta and a sickening thought fills your brain. What if...? What if some of the parmesan sprinkles aren't actual parmesan but rather are his boogers? After all, he's been booger shopping since he's got here!
Jeez! Get up and go and leave the booger-holic right there!
Dating disaster number nine: The cat man.
He smells like an animal but it is not the scent of male pheromones! Oh no! He literally smells like an animal! During the entire meal, he mentions his cats. He has ten of them and they sleep with him. He's been single for ages and his cats are like his kids, they love purina cat chow and they are one big happy family. Anything you say, he finds a way to reference the conversation back to his 'darlings' as he refers to them. If after fifteen minutes, you are able to list the names of all his cats: Vixen, Tryxter, Combo, Rambo, Meowie, Patsy, Rex, Molly, Tootsie and Pixs then you know you've had enough of the cat talk. That's all you'll ever have with him-cat talk!
Don't break up that happy family-leave him alone! Get out!
Dating disaster number ten: Me, me and more me!
He sits across the table from you. Not bad looking, not bad, you think. He asks you about yourself. You open your mouth to speak but you're forced to stop. He interjects to talk more about himself. You start to feel your interest waning because all he seems to be talking about is himself. He asks you about your interests but he ends up talking about his. He asks you what is your favourite food but you end up knowing that his is thai. He spends the last hour talking about his career, how much he loves his mum, charities he attends, how playful his Golden retriever is, why his last relationship ended and how absolutely wonderful he is. Then when his mouth seemingly tires of talking, he finally says, "Soooo...let me hear about you!"
"I thought we were talking about you!" you mutter sarcastically, loud enough for him to hear. To your disgust, he laughs wholeheartedly.
"Don't you just love me!" he says joyously.
"Actually no I don't!!" you shout.
Take your purse, whack him on his head with it then goodness sake-just LEAVE!