Stage 1: Pre-Game

You've waited all week for this moment. Even though you probably drank last night, the first drink on a Friday night is so flavorful it's like you're taking your taste buds on an orgasmic journey. Wherever your pre-game location is there is always a stereo and aux cord. You try to impress your friends and put on some best of 2014 pop remixes that everyone has already illegally downloaded. You take shots with beer chasers and begin your night. After a slight buzz everyone remotely single in your phone book becomes appealing. You send out a mass "what you doin tonight" text. There's a university home game at 7:05 but you're so cool you leave at 7:15 that way everyone will see you walk down to the front row of the student section.

Stage 2: Sporting Event

Now you are noticeably buzzed when you arrive to the game but remember, you go to college and are an alcoholic, so you stay out in the car and miss the first period to drink more. 2nd period starts. After loudly verbally urinating on the opposing team for 20 minutes you head back out to the car during the intermission to polish off the remainder of your Keystone Lights and Windsor pulls. You go back in for the end of the game at a pretty solid drunk level. After the game you head back out to the car and it won't start. Your drunk friend left the dome light on and the battery is dead. After 7 minutes of locating jumper cables and double checking the difference between red and black with your cell phone light to avoid electrocution, you're on to stage 3.

Stage 3: Campus

Your least drunk friend drives you back to Campus... Word gets out to half the school enrollment and it is on. Everyone turns into well-oiled drinking machines. Heart-to-hearts in the bedrooms, drunk Mario Kart on the TV, drinking games at the counter, and shotgun stations at both sinks. The place is packed end to end and there's enough underage girls to make a Rebecca Black music video. This is the most fun you've had all night and you're in the perfect drunk nirvana. Nothing can take you out of this tranquility state except for three little knocks at the door.....RAs. These Residential Advisors are Real Asshats, however the fun isn't quite over thanks to hilarious comments thrown out by the party comedians. Everyone has to leave but you stand out in the hallway for a while to be entertained by your plastered friend making explicit sexual references to the RAs on his way out. On to stage 4.

Stage 4: Different Part of Campus

A smaller, mostly upper-class crowd reconvenes their alcoholic activities somewhere else. Not as fun as stage 3, but you're drunker. You call a couple cabs to head downtown to the bars. If you're lucky your cab is a van that plays music videos on a fold down TV. If you're unlucky, you're in a 1997 four-door shit box with a driver named Hank who smells like hookers and cigarettes. On to stage 5.

Stage 5: Bar #1

Congrats for making it to stage 5, a.k.a. the largest pickle derby in town. Bar #1 is typically filled with a lot of dudes. Guys, I hope you didn't plan on meeting girls during this stage because going to going to Bar #1 to pick up chicks is like getting take-out from Hooter's... it's absolutely pointless. The guy to girl ratio is like the odds of winning McDonald's monopoly.... and not the purple ones, I'm talking Boardwalk and Park Place. After an exciting 35 minutes of failed pick-up attempts on the busy waitresses and throwing peanut shells at guys from your neighboring town college from your booth, you decide to try the other Friday night hot spot, or as I like to call it, stage 6.

Stage 6: Bar #2

After leaving Weiner Warehouse Inc. you stumble yourself down a block and make it into Bar #2. Bar #2 is generally a dark and small dance club type bar. Holy shit... the wall-to-wall space is more narrow than a dorm-wing hallway. After 20 minutes of being invisible you finally get yourself an overpriced drink. You decide to check out the dance floor which is slightly bigger than a handicapped bathroom stall. You know absolutely no one. You stare at the weird Asian chick doing the robot for a few minutes then head back to your group of 8 friends sitting at a 3 person table. You get bumped into by some daryl in a flannel. He recognizes you as the guy who was throwing peanut shells at him earlier. You go outside. You trade-off terrible drunk insults/threats at one another. Your friends grab you away and you steal some group of girls' cab-van off the street. I know, I know, you would've totally killed that guy.. he's so lucky. On to the final stage.

Stage 7: Off-Campus House

Campus is full of kids too drunk or young to make stages 5 and 6, so you end up at the ultimate after-party: an off-campus house. Congratulations. You puke in the bushes and head into your friends place. You crack a light-beer and have about 3 sips in an hour as you tell the most dime-a-dozen drunk stories that happened 2 hours ago. The night dwindles as you hopefully find a hook-up, find a bed, and 5 am finally hits. Goodnight Academia.