A couple months ago this dude dropped me a few emails, mostly just the standard questions about how to get hired on his first security contract. But when I wrote him back explaining how I don’t refer people that I don’t know personally but that I’d still be glad to look over his resume, his response completely threw me for a loop. Specifically, this kid said that he was “completely OK with a job working on the dark side of the business”, since that was where most of his skills were focused!
Just for the record in case the FBI is reading this, my only connection to the Dark Side is through the Star Wars DVD box set that I bought my mom for Christmas last year. And I hesitate to even mention movies, because it’s pretty apparent that some people out there are watching entirely too many of them! Whatever the reason, it’s hard for some potential applicants to accept that defense contractors are nothing more than businesses who hope to profit by providing some kind of services to meet a specific need. Still, if you’ve got your heart set on putting your tactical skills to use while working for the “Dark Side”, here’s a couple of ideas for potential career opportunities that go beyond the traditional 12-month overseas security contracts:
1) Bodyguard for Colombian Drug Lords- I’m betting that this particular field is pretty hard to break into. Besides the obvious Spanish fluency test and the exacting physical requirements (mandatory chest hair, no neck required), it’s probably pretty hard just to get in contact with a recruiter. I mean, if infiltrating a cocaine cartel was as easy as sending along a cover letter and a resume, don’t you think that some DEA narc would have tried that already? And while the opportunity to ride around in narcotraffico jeeps firing automatic machineguns at terrified peasants might sound cool at first, there are some downsides to the work. In jungles where direct deposit accounts and online banking services just aren’t available yet, you’ll probably have to settle for being paid in blow.
2) Professional Hitman- This is nice work if you can get it, but it takes a continual focus on career development to reach peak performance in the field. You might be able to make a steady living by whacking people at a couple hundred bucks a head, but the real money is going to come from insurance payouts. The top-tier hitmen are guys who can make it look like an accident, and they’re always going to be in constant demand from jilted spouses and corrupt politicians. Another factor to consider when becoming a hitman is the infrequent work schedule. It’s probably not in your best interests to post an ad for your services on Craigslist, so you shouldn’t quit your day job until you start to have steady work and financial backing from an organization like the Mafia. Still, if you’re looking for something other than the nine-to-five grind, becoming a hitman on a part-time basis can be a great career option for your post-retirement years.
3) Biker Gang Enforcer- This line of work is pretty high-profile, but just like any other career there are significant obstacles to getting your foot in the door. Most notable are the initial overhead costs. You’re looking at selling out about $30,000 for a Harley-Davidson unless you steal one, and don’t think you’re going to get all those tattoo sleeves for free! Once you get established, though, membership does have its privileges. Apart from the sweet medical/dental/401(k) plans, you’re sure to be surrounded by plenty of meth-addicted groupie biker chicks everywhere you go.
4) Jet-Setting International Assassin- Movies like “The Bourne Identity” and “007” make it seem like this is a tough field to break into, but all it really takes is a few dozen Rosetta Stone courses and a custom set of designer luggage. Think Louis Vuitton, not Samsonite. The jet lag can get tiresome, but those frequent flier points really add up quickly. You can get into the international assassin game even more quickly if you get financial and logistical backing from a secret organization like COBRA or SPECTRE, but independent contractors can still thrive in this down economy. Just make sure to keep your bags packed and your passports handy, because when that black van rolls up to the curb you’ll only have ten seconds to accept or decline the assignment.
5) Gang Banger- Of all the tactically-inclined work in support of the “Dark Side”, gang banging is probably the easiest position to break into. You’ll be required to carry a firearm, but qualifications aren’t necessary. A high turnover rate equates to a steady availability of entry-level opportunities for young go-getters, and just like in that movie “New Jack City”, the sky’s the limit when it comes to career growth! Still, you should probably prepare yourself for several lesser-known downsides to the life of a street gang member, to include low pay, a general lack of respect from superiors, and the remote chances of incarceration or dying a violent death.
Still interested? Great! All of these opportunities are available NOW to bright young individuals like yourself, just be sure to revise the “Career Objectives” section of your resume to match the job description before you post it to Monster.com. And if you don’t hear anything for a few months, just be patient. Remember, you don’t call the Dark Side, they call you!
Or, as a last resort if all else fails, you could always try COMING TO GRIPS WITH REALITY and ACTING LIKE A PROFESSIONAL. When it comes to job hunting, that’s been known to work sometimes too…