Picture this. You are sitting in a booth at your favorite bar with a few of your best friends, laughing and downing a large pitcher of whatever half-decent beer is on special. As you head over to the bar and flag down the bartender for the next round, a couple of beautiful, fun-looking ladies come up next to you and put in a drink order. They seem very approachable. Your mind quickly starts churning- how do you approach the situation?

What most people don’t know is that around 60% of all interpersonal communication is nonverbal[2]. This nonverbal communication is how the girls perceive you, without you even opening your mouth. They notice you standing by the bar. It’s on, whether you are ready or not. How can you give yourself the best possible chance to move forward with the interaction? The answer is body language.

For this tactic to make sense, it is critical for men to have a basic understanding of the life of a single attractive woman. From the time they wake up until the time they go to bed, they are constantly bombarded with attention- in the form of phone calls, texts, passing glances on the street, and placement on a pedestal. They are used to having drooling guys coming up to them, willing to give them their full attention, without actually having earned any of it. How does it make you feel when someone is willing to submit to you without knowing you at all? It’s a bit creepy, right? This is what beautiful women deal with on a daily basis. The question is: how can you communicate that you are non-needy and she must earn your attention, without having said a word?

This guy is a MASTER of body languageCredit: Kai Chan Vong at https://www.flickr.com/photos/kaichanvong/7912058150/in/photolist-d4aneG-KQCd-8iRiKj-2mWVsQ-58S6yo-EZm4L-d5DiCC-KTkE-KQMw-6x6Lhk-58sLD2-61CxUg-5C7L2R-hjFK2S-cGHmVG-ebbxfV-KQMx-6ADiUn-KQCa-6x6Lai-6xaVHW-8mb44H-6xaVT3-6xaVK9-7x9Hru-KTkC-KTk

The answer is negative body language . Now wait a second- isn’t negative usually a bad thing? The short answer is yes, but in this case, not in the least bit. Let me begin by explaining what positive body language is. When you give someone positive body language, you are giving them your full attention with your body. This includes directing your feet, torso, and head towards whoever you are talking to. When you give too much positive body language to a stranger, it is as if your body is saying something like


Too much positive body languageCredit: Glenn Loos-Austin at https://www.flickr.com/photos/junkchest/47929871/in/photolist-M8owd-5eDT6-artMP-7DVn2d-dWhYDC-dWhYzS-6NTg2M-dWhYxW-weutu-4eruNf-5iE11f-5UY3Cx-vBtje-wgiB9-x4Lch-DhL6U-DywK9-dWckKv-dWckMk-dWckRi-dWhYuG-dWhYWE-dWckqK-Js6UZ-dzscg-zWTAe-59

This voice reaches to the subconscious of whoever you are approaching, and projects neediness, the top attraction-killer out there. In addition to that, excessive positive body language creates an uncomfortable social obligation to reciprocate, and feelings of discomfort may arise. This can be a recipe for an instant crash-and-burn.

Notice in the picture above- the male is giving his female interest lots of positive body language (entire body turned towards her), and she is backed up against the wall as far as she can get from him without moving. Her shoulders are raised, chin is down, and she is forcing a smile- all signs of discomfort [2]. What could our friend here have done differently? This is where negative body language part comes in.

In your mind, you should be thinking

Hmmm, what do we have here? Let’s have some FUN and see what kind of value they can bring.”

At this point, they have not earned anything from you. As a result, you shouldn’t give them much more than a turn of your head (see James Bond above), before you begin banter/rapport. As you begin talking, if you find them intriguing and enjoy what they are saying, you can gradually begin to open up to them with more positive body language, turning your chest/torso towards them, and then your feet.

This tactic is effective because it demonstrates instantly that you are non-needy and don’t have too much invested in the conversation right away. If there happens to be no spark at the onset of the verbal communication, then all it takes is a simple head turn and you are back on your way. If you approach them giving excessive positive body language and if the conversation falls flat, it is much more awkward and uncomfortable to exit the conversation, after investing so much in it to begin with. As practice, observe around you what type of body language is exhibited between people in their interactions. Try and determine how much investment each member is putting into the interaction. Body language is a critical component of how you are perceived in the world, and can make the difference between an instant shut-down and an interesting night.