The Trials and Tribulations of being Mr Mom

For many years I watched as my wife did all the house work, the laundry and shopping. I would sometimes offer to help or go with her to the store but for the most part I tried to avoid anything that hinted at house work. My wife would often say inside is woman's work outside is men's work. I kinda liked that.

That situation all changed when I retired. My wife would always tell me I could do anything I wanted when I retired. Little did I know she meant I could anything I wanted as long as it was what she wanted me to do. I had visions of playing golf, sitting around yawing with the guys over a drink or two. Maybe play some cards hit the casino occasionally. Where I made my mistake was offering to help out one day.

You have all heard the joke," I run everything in my house, the washing machine, dryer, vacuum, dishwasher." Well it is the truth in my case now. One day I made the mistake of saying that to a group of people and when I got home I got the such a butt chewing you wouldn't believe. You see, it is okay to do the work and be helpful but when you tell people about it it makes your wife out to be a lousy lazy house keeper. This she will not tolerate.

Well I don't know what happens in your house when you help out but in mind I think it may be different or i could be wrong. If I fill the dishwasher while my wife is looking I always put things in the wrong place, on the wrong rack, turned the wrong way. Well the only way to avoid this is wait till she is no where to be found, then run it and empty it before she gets back.

Doing the laundry is even more of an adventure. Logic says you don't put whites with dark, dedicates (undies) with regular wash. you don't put sweaters with jeans. Now I have the solution to this and that is I don't sort at all. If she wants me to do the laundry then she sorts it and if there is a problem it is hers. Fat Chance.

I once got energy efficient and removed the permanent press before the cycle was completely done. Wrong move, that is when the wrinkles come out. It matters not that when I went to fold them the wrinkles were already out. No more early removal. Oh and if you forget that there are permanent press in the dryer don't forget to run the wrinkles out if they have been sitting. See I do run things.

Now here is what I don't get. My wife wears whites for work and she will come home with chocolate and syrup and other stains on her clothes. My thinking is that since they are white wash them with the whites. That way you can use bleach and get the spots out that the pre spotting missed. Wrong move, just put them in the regular wash with the jeans. Sometimes i fool her and put them with the whites anyway.

Okay we have the clothes washed now comes the folding. i will admit I am not good at this. My wife has shown me a number of times how to fold clothes, i just don't get it. Apparently when you fold an undershirt you have to smooth out the wrinkles as you fold. this leaves a wrinkle free shirt even after being in the drawer a few days. i wear an shirt over my undershirt what do I care whether it has wrinkles. But you see my neglect to fold my undershirt right carries over to folding her outer white T-shirts.

I think I have to learn a new household chore; ironing.

Since we only dust and vacuum once a week, don't panic ladies we don't wear shoes in the house and we are not home enough to make a mess during the week, you have to do a good job. Now I have three vacuums, one canister for ups stairs and one for down as well as an upright for up stairs. Since i only move the chairs in the kitchen and the two we use in the living room it doesn't take long. So why is that bad? Behind the couch, the end tables, under the china cabinet, these are places that may sometimes get over looked. Not when my wife is around. I can hear her now," Don't be in such a hurry, the dirt will wait for you."

Dusting is my least favorite chore. With the new Swiffer it is easier, but then my wife prefers the old fashion cloth and spray. That means more bending and reaching and moving. when you have a wall shrunk full of knickknacks and each one must be moved wiped and put back I tend to do it in the morning so I won't miss the whole game on TV. Sometimes I cheat and hide the swiffer when I am done.

Cooking can be fun, baking even more so. My problem with either is that I can't help making a mess. I just made gingerbread cookies and there was more flower on the floor and my shirt then in the cookies. At least here my wife understands, she doesn't like it but she understands. The problem comes with not knowing I am supposed to be cooking. I could be in the middle of work on the computer or watching an exciting game on TV. She will simply announce."What are you fixing for dinner?" I was expecting her to fix something and had no plans to cook. I had no idea what I was going to cook and asking her what she wanted was out of the question. Solution; order out.

I know I sound like I am complaining and that is because I am. I am just not complaining to my wife, the words would fall on deaf ears. I just want you fellows out there who think you are alone to know you're not. Perhaps we could form a union and go on strike, but then why make the lawyers and richer. when you think about it she ain't all that bad, is she?