The Sound of Silence
Snoring and farting occur naturally, but are not a welcomed activity in church. Fart is the most used “F” word in conjunction with ordinary church jokes. If blasphemy is “a contemptuous or profane act, utterance, or writing concerning God”  then we should fashion the term “gasphemy” to be the use of the word fart in a religious context or setting. A foolish act in school might receive criticism from Uncle Louie in the form of “I bet that went over like a fart in church”. Then there is the saying “bowels of hell” that Pappa will scream at you as you scrape his new Cadillac with your bicycle after leaning your bike against it. Now let’s consider a few embarrassing moments in church that many of us have reluctantly observed.
#7 - The Chuckle
Little Johnny lets one go during church and his little sister, Sarah, chuckles. Mom leans over to Sarah and whispers “stop that”. Sarah is confused as she did not perform the nasty deed she merely recognized its inappropriateness. Laughter and church do not always blend in harmony. I, for one, find humor good for the sole. But toot and mute seem to be a basic rule of church going.
#6 – You May Kiss the Bride
The famous words “you may now kiss the bride” being upstaged by Little Timmy the cute ring bearer providing a kiss of his own, may gather an audience chuckle, but will most likely upset the Mother of the Bride. Timmy grins, his mother who is one of the Bride’s Maids is appalled, and the newlyweds smirk during their famous moment over Timmy’s outrageous act.
#5 – Timing the Organist
Cousin Randy thought he found the perfect solution to his intestinal dilemma. He tried to time his rhythm with the heavy notes played by the organist. Unfortunately, Randy started his bench echo long before the organist had started playing her pipe organ.
#4 – The Aisle
Aunt Lucy, at age 72, slowly approaches the altar with a little passage midway down the aisle. Unfortunately, she let go just as she walks past Cindy who is 3 months pregnant and having problems with morning sickness. Cindy jumps up from the pew after catching a whiff, bolts for the entranceway, and repeats her early morning ritual of losing breakfast.
#3 – Confessional
Why do old men assume the Confessional is sound proof? The line waiting to speak with their Pastor appears to thin slightly following these moments. Shutting the door and sitting down reminds Uncle Louie of his childhood days on the farm as he is a common offender of this practice.
#2 – Leaving Church
There are those who find the Lord’s house to be Sacred, but deliver their evil as they walk down the stairs away from the building. Those in front of them pick up their pace, those behind them give up the safety of the hand rail for a prompt flight down the middle of the slippery granite slabs.
#1 – Murphy’s Law #38
Murphy was famous for the line “anything that can go wrong, will go wrong”. Another known concern of Murphy was “a fart is not always a fart”. At age 38, Murphy realized that relieving himself of lower back pressure in public can be hazardous. Murphy sat motionless on the maple carved bench, panic ridden from embarrassment, when he realized that he let go more than an aromatic stink bomb in the house of God.
The next time you observe a Gasphemy Moment, don’t pass judgment on the individual. Instead, pass the individual a card with the words “Murphy was a Gasphemist” and watch their reaction.