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Top Reasons Santa Claus is a Jerk and Belongs Behind Bars

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By Edited Aug 17, 2016 9 13

Santa Claus Belongs in JAIL!!

This Claus guy is a real piece of work.  He’s got the kids hoodwinked, but once you get to know the real Santa, you realize what a jerk he really is.  Listed below are just a few of the reasons you don’t want anything to do with Santa.

Illegal Immigrant Workers

Nobody has ever seen the paperwork on the elves.  Why is that?  It’s because there is no paperwork – they are all illegals.  He does this to avoid paying fair wages to citizens and the work is in horrible conditions. Have you ever seen an elf at the doctor’s office?  Of course not, they don’t have insurance and couldn’t possibly afford a medical visit on the wages they make.

He Runs a Sweat Shop

Santa is free from international labor laws thanks to some slick work, greasing the hands of world politicians along the way.  The jerk works the elves fingers to the bone 364 days a year under some of the worst conditions imaginable.  I heard some of the elves tried to form a union and were never seen or heard from again.  He further degrades them by making them wear the most ridiculous uniforms imaginable.

Animal Cruelty

Are you kidding me?  PETA must have been paid off or something.  The man makes the reindeer pull the sled to virtually every single house in the world in a single night.  How many miles are they pulling him?  Ride em’ until they die, as he always says.  He carries a whip, smacking those poor deer if they falter.  I hear Santa loves venison and the reindeer know it’s either pull the sleigh or go to the slaughterhouse.  Mmmmm, venison stew.

He’s a Glory Hog

The reindeer and illegal immigrant workers do almost all the work, but the fat glory hog gets all of the pub.  That’s straight up BS.  He gives the reindeer that actually don’t end up on his dinner plate no credit.  The elves actually make the toys each year, but he doesn’t want them known or the media could start asking them question about the way the boss acts.

He’s a Sexist Pig

It hasn’t been acceptable to call women ho’s for a long time, pal.  Knock it off.  He takes great pride in calling out the single mothers taking the kids to sit on his lap at the mall, usually making his sexist remarks to three women at a time.  Ho, ho, ho….can you say sexual harassment lawsuit?  I think he has diplomatic immunity, so you can’t sue.

He Promotes an Unhealthy Lifestyle

He won’t leave you anything unless you give him cookies to eat.  How many millions of cookies does one man need?  I bet he has to take insulin by the syringe-full.  He’s supposed to be a role model, yet he revels in fact he’s a fat pig whose blood sugar is probably well over 500, even after he pumps in a half-million cc’s on Christmas.  Maybe he could set an example and ask kids to leave him a salad next year.

Can You Say Pedo? 

Do I really need to explain this one?  Little kids actually pee their pants in terror before sitting on his lap at the mall, yet he still insists they go through with it, despite their tears.  He sees you when you’re sleeping and he knows when you’re awake – sounds like twisted man that needs to be taught a lesson.  I thought this guy was a Saint? 

Breaks Into Houses and Can't be Stopped

The cops know it’s coming every single year, yet sting operation after sting operation has failed to capture him.  You can lock your doors and window, but the pervert just finds a way to get in. 



Nov 20, 2011 3:45pm
Yeah awesome... I'm stumbling this!!!
Nov 20, 2011 11:44pm
Classic snark -- good stuff!!
Nov 21, 2011 4:03am
Freaking he-larious. Thanks for the before bed chuckle...'night all!
Nov 22, 2011 8:05pm
Very funny, JC! I enjoyed your lighter side.
Nov 24, 2011 10:33am
I loved this JC, I was actually laughing, and my kids staring at me like a crazy lady!
Nov 24, 2011 11:23am
Great read! I've done a serious one on 'What is a Pantomime?' This is a great Christmas tradition in the UK.
Nov 24, 2011 4:02pm
This was a wonderfully funny and witty tough-in-cheek article. Loved it!
Nov 26, 2011 12:15pm
Yeah, I always thought that guy was just taking advantage of his reputation !
I like to say that he takes credit for the hard work the parents put into making money and buying their kids presents, only to say that Santa brought them !
Haha !
Mar 13, 2012 9:19pm
Chuckles are great Thanks.
Mar 13, 2012 9:53pm
Lol well done! Was a good laugh
Mar 14, 2012 7:49am
I have to side with you on this one -- He is a real jerk! Let's grab some flaming torches and head for the North Pole to track him down and free the elves.
Mar 16, 2012 2:14pm
He also has an evil secret liar at the North Pole. Pure evil.
Mar 16, 2012 2:21pm
XD This is hilarious.
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