Santa Claus Belongs in JAIL!!

This Claus guy is a real piece of work.  He’s got the kids hoodwinked, but once you get to know the real Santa, you realize what a jerk he really is.  Listed below are just a few of the reasons you don’t want anything to do with Santa.

Illegal Immigrant Workers

Nobody has ever seen the paperwork on the elves.  Why is that?  It’s because there is no paperwork – they are all illegals.  He does this to avoid paying fair wages to citizens and the work is in horrible conditions. Have you ever seen an elf at the doctor’s office?  Of course not, they don’t have insurance and couldn’t possibly afford a medical visit on the wages they make.

He Runs a Sweat Shop

Santa is free from international labor laws thanks to some slick work, greasing the hands of world politicians along the way.  The jerk works the elves fingers to the bone 364 days a year under some of the worst conditions imaginable.  I heard some of the elves tried to form a union and were never seen or heard from again.  He further degrades them by making them wear the most ridiculous uniforms imaginable.

Animal Cruelty

Are you kidding me?  PETA must have been paid off or something.  The man makes the reindeer pull the sled to virtually every single house in the world in a single night.  How many miles are they pulling him?  Ride em’ until they die, as he always says.  He carries a whip, smacking those poor deer if they falter.  I hear Santa loves venison and the reindeer know it’s either pull the sleigh or go to the slaughterhouse.  Mmmmm, venison stew.

He’s a Glory Hog

The reindeer and illegal immigrant workers do almost all the work, but the fat glory hog gets all of the pub.  That’s straight up BS.  He gives the reindeer that actually don’t end up on his dinner plate no credit.  The elves actually make the toys each year, but he doesn’t want them known or the media could start asking them question about the way the boss acts.

He’s a Sexist Pig

It hasn’t been acceptable to call women ho’s for a long time, pal.  Knock it off.  He takes great pride in calling out the single mothers taking the kids to sit on his lap at the mall, usually making his sexist remarks to three women at a time.  Ho, ho, ho….can you say sexual harassment lawsuit?  I think he has diplomatic immunity, so you can’t sue.

He Promotes an Unhealthy Lifestyle

He won’t leave you anything unless you give him cookies to eat.  How many millions of cookies does one man need?  I bet he has to take insulin by the syringe-full.  He’s supposed to be a role model, yet he revels in fact he’s a fat pig whose blood sugar is probably well over 500, even after he pumps in a half-million cc’s on Christmas.  Maybe he could set an example and ask kids to leave him a salad next year.

Can You Say Pedo? 

Do I really need to explain this one?  Little kids actually pee their pants in terror before sitting on his lap at the mall, yet he still insists they go through with it, despite their tears.  He sees you when you’re sleeping and he knows when you’re awake – sounds like twisted man that needs to be taught a lesson.  I thought this guy was a Saint? 

Breaks Into Houses and Can't be Stopped

The cops know it’s coming every single year, yet sting operation after sting operation has failed to capture him.  You can lock your doors and window, but the pervert just finds a way to get in.