Man Cowmits Udderly Ridiculous Milk Theft
Seriously, We Couldn't Make This Stuff Up If We Tried.
These are just a few of the truly hilarious headlines we've found recently in the papers. Unlike many of the humorous headlines that have been passed around the internet for decades, each of these stories is real, and has been verified by newspaper and date. After all, we were pretty skeptical, too!
"Americans Question 3 Osama Bin Laden Widows, But They Are Reported Openly Hostile for Some Reason" - Los Angeles Times (5/13/2011) In the wee hours of May 2, heavily armed Americans burst into their home, shot and killed their husband and two other men, wounded one of the women and took off with their husband's corpse. Apparently, some people are just looking for reasons to be offended.
"Man Arrested in Bra, Panties, Accused of Stabbing Goat" - Associated Press (5/3/2011) Sheriff's Deputy J.S. Shackelford says Thompson was standing near a neighbor's pygmy goat in a bedroom, wearing a bra and female underwear. The goat, a male named Bailey, had at least one stab wound. Thompson claimed to be high on bath salts. Oh. Well, that explains it.
"Springfield Police Charge One-Armed Man With Unarmed Robbery" - The Republican, Western MA. (7/14/2010). According to Sgt. John Delany, the suspect, Manuel Hernandez, 28, of 52 Avon Place, goes by the street name of "Lefty."
"Woman With Pink Underwear Over Pants Arrested" - Associated Press (5/9/2011). Police say a woman wearing pink underwear over her trousers was arrested when a security guard at New York's famous Waldorf-Astoria hotel spotted a gun sticking out of her pocket. Oh, like that's never happened to you.
"Dead Body Found in Cemetery" - New Courier, Athens, Alabama (7/7/2010) According to Capt. Floyd Johnson of the Athens, AL Police Department, this was one that wasn't supposed to be there.
"Pole Dancing Studios Now Offering Classes to Children" - Vancouver Sun, Vancouver, B.C. (7/21/2010) To be fair, there are some age restrictions on the Exotic Dance and Lap Dance classes, but none for other classes, with names like Bellylicious, Sexy Flexy, Pussycat Dawls and Promiscuous Girls.
"Caskets Found as Workers Demolish Mausoleum" - Madison, WI. (5/6/1997) ''We had no idea anyone was buried there,'' explained Thomas Hanlon, director of cemeteries for the Madison Catholic Diocese.
"Volunteers Search For Old Civil War Planes" - The Jefferson Iowa News (4/25/2010) Johann Starkey hopes to eventually search every state in the union. "Almost no one alive today has ever seen an aircraft that old," he stated. That is probably due to the fact that Civil War was fought from 1861-1865, and the Wright Brothers flew the first plane in 1903.
"Hooker Named Lay Person of the Year" - The Bowie County Citizens Tribune/DeKalb News, New Boston TX (7/30/2009). Rita Hooker of DeKalb, TX was honored by the local Kiwanis Club for being the non-clergy Volunteer of the Year. We're guessing someone at the newspaper wasn't a big fan.
"Man Dressed as Cow Steals 26 Gallons of Milk" - NBC Washington (4/28/2011). Jonathan Payton, 18, of North Stafford, VA was issued a summons for shoplifting as a result. Got bail?