Adopting the Wrong Child

He was quiet and didn’t do much
We didn’t know what to do with him
He had just been delivered and we thought we were ready
He cried but will not eat.
We searched the internet for clues
Too many conflicting results
Some suggested breastfeeding
I wanted to give it a try
I spoke to my husband about the idea
There was a moment of silence
He starred at my ample chest
He starred in the direction of the child
He said, I don’t think that is a good idea for a 10 year old
We might be arrested for child abuse

Mum is it true that I was adopted?
Who told you that?
Nobody, I just wanted to know
Really who told you?
No, you were not adopted
How come I don’t’ look like you?
You are a boy and I am a woman
2 hours later
Mom John is a boy and he looks like is mother
moment of silence
John is gay that is why
I want to be gay too
Wait till you are older
2 minutes later
Mom, mom, mom,  moooooooooooom!
WHAT?, I’m not your mother

They came in and sat at the desk
They were different but not in a good way
I brought out the pictures and we started
Looks cute but there is missing something missing
And this one?
Too ugly to be a child
What about this one?
Too black
And this little cutie?
Looks gay
And this one?
Must be on drugs
What do you really want?
We want a child that looks like both of us
Why not try adopting a dog!

You don’t look like your Dad
That is what everyone says
Doesn’t it bother you?
No, not until people start asking
But it is so obvious!
Really?, I haven’t noticed
I mean you are black and he is white
Were you adopted?
No, he is my husband!
Oh, Sorry!

Oh Darren how nice of you!
how long did it take you to make it?
2 days and 3 hours
So who is this on the right?
That is me
Who is this in the middle?
That is you mummy
And who is this person with his hands over mummy’s shoulder?
That is Mr Chuck
Who is Mr Chuck?
He is my Math teacher
Your dad will not be pleased
I know, but I will start getting better grades at school

I knew it from the first glance that it is what I want
I wanted to have a child but not a husband
I thought about stealing one from the local park
I could not  face going to jail
I thought about the local health center
They only have babies in diapers
What is wrong with that?
Nothing, they are all over 80 years old and wrinkly
I checked what was on offer on eBay.
Dodgy product description
Found a local site that offers what I wanted.
I was thrilled, pulled out my credit card, and placed my order
2 days later, we came face to face.
I named her July, I cried, she licked my face and barked for the first time

How come you don’t have children?
I used to have them but put them up for sale on eBay
very funny
Then I moved on to something more dramatic
How come you don’t have children?
They died in a house fire 5 years ago
How sad!
No, not really, we now have more time to ourselves
Ah, Ah not funny!
Then I moved on to something worse
How come you dont’ have children?
My husband has erectile problems.
Oh, um, what time is it?
Then, it got even worse
How come you don’t have children?
I had too many abortions as a teenager.
Lord almighty!

I came back home
Walked into the living room and there they were
One top of the other
I shouted, turned around and walked back outside
I have just seen the most grotesque image of my life
I couldn’t face them
They came out and sat each one beside me
Mother started, darling are you alright?
Father added, we are worried about you.
This is what parents do to show love and affection
Please stop, stop, stop talking to me.
I am a 38 year old woman, I don’t need your little talk
Next time, call to warn me when you are visiting

I had to have my legs wide apart
Let strangers stare at me and yell at me to push
I could not deal with the hassle
Someone else did the spreading and pushing
I prepared the room and purchased the toys
I waited and waited and cried
My husband tried to console me
He was the one producing powdered milk
It almost destroyed us
We did an internet search
We went to the office
We chose what we wanted from the shopping list
I was desperate because the paperwork took so long
Finally the pink little bundle came home
I was exhausted and couldn’t be bothered
It was all I’ve ever wanted but....