So it actually happened...



 So you’re watching Big Bang Theory wondering if Sheldon and Amy will ever get to second base when your regular scheduled programming is interrupted with a special news bulletin. The president of the United States of America is urging you and all other Americans to stay indoors due to a wide spread pandemic which causes aggression and cannibalism in humans. You’ve watched your fair share of movies and the Walking Dead on Netflix, you know what this is… It’s the Zombocalypse! You know your apartment building is no place to ride out the Zombocalypse and time is wasting as your city becomes more infected with each passing minute. It’s time to grab your Zombocalypse Bug-Out-Bag and get the hell out of Dodge. Oh wait, you don’t have a Bug-out-bag? Sorry, I guess your zombie food, but hey, thanks for slowing them down for me.

What to put in your bug-out-bag

The backpack

Because you don’t want to put your hands in the quality craftsmanship of your neighborhood big box store. Don’t cheap out on this essential item. This bad boy is going to be your best friend for the next year or two so make sure the strap wont bust the first time your being chased by the living dead. So don’t be cheapskates, spend the extra $100 and buy it at a camping specialty store.

Swiss Army Knife

Nothing worse than working up an appetite scaling the side of a mall wall to evade those nasty brain-eaters only to find you have no way to get into your stag chili you scavenged from a burnt out gas station. Not only do these handy pocket knives have a can opener, but they have a bazillion other tools to make your life easier.

Hunting Knife

I know you already have a knife but come on! Have you ever watched Crocodile Dundee? The last thing you want to do is try and defend yourself from the contaminated with a tiny two inch blade. No, you’re going to want to go all out and behead those brain suckers. Also the survival knife can act as a hatchet, a thrown weapon, and even a shovel in a pinch.

Water kit

Because you know the grocery store isn’t going have anything but plague carriers. So you’re going to have to find or make your water as you make your way to Jericho. You’re going to want the following in your Pencil case sized kit; pantyhose to act as a filter, Iodine to purify water, a clear plastic bag to trap evaporation from your pee and several non-lubricated condoms to hold water your, why what were you thinking they were for?

Ferrocerium striker:

This is for starting Fires with your awesome Rambo knife. Lighters and matches are fine but this sucker won’t stop working when your book it through a sewer to evade the ghouls.

Duct Tape:

This is for repairs and first aid. Let’s face it, when the soulless come busting down your crude barrier you don’t have time to sew your backpack or your gaping flesh wound. Tape it and run my friend, tape it and run. It looks like duct tape isn’t just the handyman’s secret weapon anymore.

IPhone/Smart Phone:

Well chances are you’re not going to get to make any phone calls after a few days but you’re going to be glad you kept it. Your phone can be an MP3 player, E-Reader flash light and camera which will help keep you sane as make your way across the revenant infested wasteland. Also you will be able to scrapbook using all the pictures you took after society rebuilds from the ashes.

Solar Charger:

Because when the power runs out your cell phone or flash light you’re going to wish you had have bought one. There is nothing worse than trying to shop in REI when the unconsecrated are still nibbling on the remains of the store associates.

Professional Hammer:

You want a good framing hammer that can pull nails from all the useless crap around you and hammer them into your hardwood barriers. This is another item you’ll be glad you didn’t cheap-out on. The last thing you want is to break your shiny discount hammer the first time you board up a window to keep out the diseased.


You will need enough food to last for 72 hours. Get this at the same store your buying your backpack. You’re going to buy the high end dehydrated food bags they make for serious hikers. It’s light, it’s tasty and it keeps forever. Don’t worry; if you do get caught by the lurkers the food will still be good after a quick rinse.