Child  biting her lipCredit: Wikipedia.Org,,Author Ignas Kukenys from Vilnius, Lithuania, May 29, 2005

Child biting her lip.  Children worry when parents are in controlling relationships.

A controller of a relationship may do so slowly.  When it starts you might be unaware or have tunnel vision, because you are in the relationship.   You may even think it is cute in the beginning.  But the cuteness of this will eventually fade away.  

Men are not the only ones that are controlling.  There are controlling women  too.   When you see a “henpecked” man there is usually a controlling woman behind the scenes.  Controlling relationships are  toxic, because they are just not healthy.  Controlling relationships can stifle you and smother you.  

A controller is usually afraid to trust that they are enough.  The need to calculate and strategically plan the relationship.   They will not allow you to make a mistake.   They will alienate you from your family and friends so they can get a tighter grip on you.   

If your ideas do not coincide with your controller’s  ideas, they are not any good.   There is a lot of negativity coming from your controller.   It is seemingly always your fault.  The controller emphasizes it is your fault that they take the action that they do.  

Because it is subtle, you usually will not see it coming.  You usually are not ready for something like this.  You may think to yourself, “I thought this was the perfect relationship.”   “How could this be happening?”   A controller takes things to the extreme.  A controller  may use phrases such as, “You are too fat, no one else will want you, you are so lazy, you can’t do anything right.”

A controller might compare himself to others saying, “I am not as bad as Joe Blow, or I don’t beat you up everyday.”   This is to make himself feel better.  A controller has famous words such, “I am sorry.” “It will never happen again.”   Unfortunately, it usually does happen again.  

When I was in a controlling relationship, I remember a friend telling me, “ Honey no matter what you do it will never be enough?” “You could be an angel and there will still be something wrong?”  That gave me something to think about, because I was always trying to fix that  relationship.  Are you constantly trying to fix your relationship?  In my former relationship I was always told, “It is your fault that I do what I do.”  “It is your fault that you made me mad.“ I would be told, “You need to work on the relationship.”    

In a controlling relationship you must always agree with the other person.   If for any reason you use your own mind and think,  it is  betrayal to the controller.  If you go to an event you need to call and check in and “heaven forbid” if you are late coming home after an event.   That is  “the ultimate sin.”   Controllers do not  want to lose control,  because they don’t know why you are late. 

Some controllers will use the threats of “If things don’t improve I am  leaving.”   Or if they think you might leave they may threaten to kill themselves.   You definitely would not  want the responsibility for their suicide;  according to the controller it would be your fault.

The controller is fearful of allowing you to think for yourself.   The controller does not want you to make any type of plan without first consulting with him or her.

With a controller the fault is always yours. The verbal abuse will damage your spirit, make you feel worthless,  and  make you feel that you have no one to turn to.  If controllers feel they are losing control and you are no longer behaving the way they want, they may  resort to  physical abuse.  The physical abuse can damage you both spiritually and emotionally.       Are you in this type of relationship?  Do you know of someone who is in this type of relationship?


Personal Experience