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Why Do Married People Have Affairs?

By Edited Apr 13, 2016 1 1

Divorce mediators or counselors will usually have a couple that seeks therapy where one or the other hasn’t had an extramarital affair. It’s rare for any day to go by without a client mentioning an affair. An angry spouse will convict the partner that has betrayed their trust with resentment in their accusations. The partner that has had or is having the affair will generally respond with silence. By the time a couple gets to counseling they are past the time in of protesting innocence or being wrongly accused. There is generally no response to the accusations thrown their way. What causes a married spouse to have an affair? Why do married people have affairs?

Main reason

Married men that have affairs are tolerated more than a married woman who does the same thing. Although there are as many married women as married men that have affairs while married. Do married men get caught more than married women? No. The difference is married men will confess or get caught in the affair more than married women.

Why do husbands and wives have affairs? There really is no single reason a married man or married woman has an affair. Generally it’s a lot of different reasons. People don’t get married and expect to have an affair. Why do married people have affairs?

Many women will have an affair because they admit their husbands don’t pay enough attention to them. They would really like more attention from their husband, but they will seek the attention they need elsewhere. Some women would like some excitement in their life or need a lift to their self-esteem that they are still smart, attractive and desirable. Women will also have a midlife crisis the same as men.

Although there are usually a multitude of reasons for a married spouse to have an affair there is usually one primary reason. Many people who have affairs will have one primary reason for the affair. Even if that reason may seem inappropriate for that person, they will still have one primary reason for their infidelity.

Revenge has been a primary motive for a lot of married spouses. This is usually a reason for women more than men. The revenge reason is characteristically an affair in response to the other spouse having an affair. However, the same reasons that women give for an affair are mirrored by men. Why do married people have affairs?

Affairs will move in one of two directions. They will end or they will continue.

In order to find why man or woman has an affair you must understand the couple as well as the dynamic or roles that each plays in the relationship. Additionally, it is difficult to really know the real reasons married people have an affair. For most married spouses that have affairs they will rationalize their actions to create a reason that makes sense for the affair even when they cannot actually verbalize the primary reason they had an affair.

What is the purpose of the affair?

The purpose of the affair is generally to end the relationship. Ending a marriage is often difficult for couples. If a spouse does want a divorce having an affair will certainly get the divorce started.

In order to understand why married people have affairs, it is important to understand the different kinds of affairs that married people have.

Different kinds of affairs

a)      Excitement and adventure affairs

These are affairs that will put excitement and adventure into your life. The definition of an affair is excitement. The excitement from the affair comes with having an encounter with a new lover, secret phone calls and meetings, the danger of getting caught in the affair by your spouse or the intensity felt with the behavior. Any affair will have some excitement and adventure.

b)      Romance or love

Some spouses are romantics and want it in their life. If they feel this is missing from the marriage they will seek it in someone outside of the marriage and have an affair. Many of these husbands and wives may never have had romance or it’s been so long ago since they have had it, they seek it out in an affair. Many of these affairs are with tortured souls that may not even have a physical relationship with the affair. They simply want the romance. They like the flowers and candy. The note or card in the mail with a little perfume. The companionship over a candle lit dinner. The romance is all they seek in their affair in many cases.

c)       Understanding along with companionship

Affairs for understanding and companionship are from people that say they don’t feel understood by their spouse. Spouses will sometimes associate the lack of understanding with their spouses’ gender. For an example, “he’s a man and what more can I expect?” or “she is a woman and simply cannot get me.”  These are sexist statements that don’t are simply trying to justify the affair. The affair is a powerful draw when the spouse finds someone who has the companionship and understanding they seek.

Some will not expect their spouse to ever understand and will unexpectedly find understanding in another person. The affair is not expected and more of an attraction.

d)      Lust

Lust and sex will certainly drive an affair. This is usually not the case with most affairs for women. However, it certainly is not unheard of. However, this is a major draw for men. The physical part of an affair minus the emotional connection can work for a lot of people.

Some spouses want more variety in their sex life that they don’t get at home. This is the primary kind of affair that spouses have.

e)      Single meet or one night stand

The one time meet or one night stand is the type of affair that many people have discontinued with the advent and rampant increase in sexually transmitted diseases like AIDS. However, they do still occur. These are found at conferences are when spouses are out-of-town and will never run into these people ever again

A single one night stand happens for all kinds of reasons. This combines all the kinds of affairs with the difference being instead of continuing over a time it only occurs once. These affairs are the one romantic encounter or a person that understands them and is the less threatening to end a marriage in divorce.

f)       Attention

Attention or recognition, even appreciation are generally affairs for those with a low vision of self-esteem. Don’t underrate the importance of self-esteem. If your spouse doesn’t have the basic feeling of self-esteem or you take it away from them, you bet they are in line to be susceptible to this type of affair. He or she may go out and get self-esteem from another source willing to give it to them.

You don’t get self-esteem from an affair. You do develop it over a life time from early childhood. Though, men or women that lack it in adulthood will go out and find it with an affair.

g)      Revenge

Revenge is certainly a kind of affair found on the list. The basic reason is the other spouse had an affair and the other spouse has one for this reason. They may label it for another reason many times or face that it was simply to get back at the other spouse. Usually this kind occurs after the other is discovered having the affair. Many times they won’t confront the unfaithful spouse with their infidelity. They will simply have a revenge affair.

h)      Freedom

Some people will feel “trapped” in marriage and admit they have an affair for freedom. They are confined in their roles of the marriage. They don’t want to be a homemaker, husband, mother, father or wife. Many movies are created about this type of affair. When movies or books are created they will use the romantic cause for freedom affairs

i)        Other kinds of affairs

There are still several other kinds of affairs that many people can identify. These include lesbian/gay affairs, power or simply to end the marriage

Why do married people have affairs? There are a number of reasons. Along with why married people have affairs we need to understand the different kinds of affairs.  

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Comments

Dec 2, 2011 1:01pm
vicdillinger
I fall into the "freedom" category, which I guess makes me a pig, but I hate the constraints of monogamy. Which is why I am not married now nor ever will be again. Good overview (little heavy on the "why do ... have affairs?" string for keyword saturation, but a good read nonethele. And, you brought some good insight to the table as well ("revenge" is definitely more of a woman thing).
m not married now.
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