For most women who find out that their husband was cheating on them, the first question they ask themselves is, how could this happen? You may not have had any idea that your marriage was in trouble, or maybe you had asked yourself, is he cheating on me, and dismissed the notion as foolish, ridiculous, and unthinkable. Now, faced with the harsh reality of infidelity, and once the initial shock has passed your head will be full of these questions, which you may or may not get answers to. Not realizing the husband was cheating on them makes women very angry and, irrationally they believe themselves to have been naïve, stupid, blind, not to have “seen the signs” and known that their husband was having an extra marital affair.
For those of you who had wondered is he cheating on me, and dismissed it, the humiliation is further exaggerated. This is a normal reaction, but pointless, your husband did not want you to know he was cheating on you so he hid it, and he was successful, for a while, now you know about it, you have to forgive yourself for not realizing before, and move on, dealing with the ‘why he cheated on me’, and ‘does he want to end the affair’ questions.
He cheated on me. How could he do that to me?
You will ask yourself a lot of questions which will need to be directed at your husband once you are ready to handle the answers. If you had previously asked close friends, “is he cheating on me?” and they had said no, you may want to reassure yourself that they did not know of the affair or did they also betray your trust? Be prepared for further hurt, other people may well have known of the affair but been unable to tell you, for fear of upsetting you or out of misguided loyalty.
How long has this been going on?
The length of the affair gives the betrayed spouse an idea of its seriousness, but can also bring even more hurt, if the affair has been long-lasting. It will give an indication of when the marriage started to go wrong and may identify the trigger for the infidelity. Generally speaking, the shorter the length of the affair, the easier it is to repair the marriage. Whether the trust in the relationship can ever be re-established will depend on many factors such as, is this the first affair or has this happened before? If this is your husbands’ first extramarital affair, then putting your marriage back together will be easier than if he has been unfaithful on a regular basis, although it may take some time before you stop asking yourself, is he cheating on me, each time he is late home from work!.
Trusting your own judgment
The other aspect to trust is whether you can trust yourself again; your confidence is likely to be shaken by this news, and this is not a natural or comfortable state. There will be some times when you experience extreme emotions that are painful and frightening. You will realize that there seems to be a lot of infidelity going on around you, “Is he cheating on me?” is a favorite magazine headline and celebrity affairs are regularly reported in the newspapers. This does not lessen the significance of your own circumstances; just because something is prevalent does not make it right. Do not wonder if you are overreacting, you have a right to these feelings, a right to feel hurt and angry, and scared, and a right to wonder whether you are crazy to still love your husband after such a profound betrayal. You loved your husband yesterday before you knew about the affair; the knowledge cannot automatically switch those feelings off, and only you truly know whether you can, and if you want to, repair your marriage. It will take a lot of love, and you will have to trust yourself again, so hold onto those feelings for now.