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Why the Heart wants what it wants

By Edited Nov 13, 2013 0 0

There is a fifty percent chance of first marriages ending in divorce and yet every year more people plunge into marriage and remarriage. Many people feel they are in love and experience a slow tapering off of their loving feelings for their partner. Scientists peg the magic moment as 18 months into the love relationship. So much for the seven year itch. We try to stick it out. Some to be loyal, some because of the kids, most because we want to recapture the initial thrill of lust love and bewilderment that hit us when we were first entranced. Sadly, if you have picked the wrong person, no amount of waiting and wishing will fix the situation. A divorce is inevitable.

There is a 66 percent chance of a second marriage ending in divorce. Wow, two thirds of them will end in divorce. That's even higher than the first marriages. The bold exception being arranged marriages. In arranged marriages people tend to love each other more and more as time passes. They share a commitment and a goal to be intimate which is very conducive to building a deeper relationship. No commitment means no safe place to grow. As long as two partners are just living together, they may get along marvelously on a surface level but not intimacy is being gained. The point, anyway to living together is being able to break up if "things don't work out." As every life will face some stress, breaking up is absolutely guaranteed in this situation. We all know couples who have lived together without benefit of marriage for a long time, they seem alright. Scratch the surface and you'll see the difference the lack of enmeshment as compared to a marriage. It's like having a nice room mate, it's not the same thing as a legal marriage.

There is a seventy five percent chance of a third marriage ending in divorce. So much for the third times a charm. The truth is we give up faster as we see things turning and recognize the pain which is sure to follow. No one wants to try at something that is doomed to failure. If we enter into marriages with a romantic ideal of being pampered and cared for and unconditionally loved, we have a very infantile self centered view of situation. As soon as children are born and bills created we feel cheated and disappointed. Rather than shifting our view of what the heart wants we decide to look elsewhere.

The heart wants to be validated. If you were raised by loving parents you accept with stride your own self worth. If you are lucky in love to land with someone of similar self esteem you will be among the fifty percent of first marriages that make it. But if you land with someone who does not like themselves the tension begins. You may try at first to encourage them to see how much you love them. It feels good at first, it feels noble and charitable. But if the person argues with you, and is convinced they are not a good person it become more tension.

My former husband didn't have parents who could give him attention. IT wasn't by design, they had serious health issues and he spent much of his childhood being shuttled from one relative to another. He also had a nanny for the year his mother spent in a body cast recuperating from a car accident. My former husband harbored a dangerously low self image. I thanked him daily for being my husband and told him he was wonderful both verbally and non-verbally, but he preferred to be right about himself. He wanted to be a drug addict. IT was too painful to him to have me admire him when he really didn't feel good about himself. The heart wants what it wants and will not be denied. We can throw up any kind of social belief system, but people will do what they do.

If you have a partner who doesn't like themselves I encourage you to stop trying to fix them. In the first place, you won't be able to, because you are not them. In the second they will eventually hate you for it. It is better, if you must stay with them, to make yourself as healthy and happy as possible and hope for the mirror image. They will have to adjust to your self esteem. Even better is to leave the drama where you found it. You may find yourself getting addicted to fixing problems that will not stay fixed. People who need drama can create it so much faster than you can put it out.



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