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Women Can't Find A Good Man: Do You Really Know What You Want?

By Edited Nov 29, 2015 2 3

The following dialog is about a woman's decision-making.  A common statement from women seeking a male partner is that, "all the good men are not available."

The following dialog is typical and hasn't changed over the years.  The names are changed to protect the real ones.

The Guru:  "Good morning Discipulus.  Come in and have a seat.  It has been awhile, young lady, since we have discussed issues.  What is on your mind today?"

Discipulus:  "Yes Guru, it has been awhile. (Long pause)  Guru I am not happy."


The Guru:  "Yes, I know.  I sensed that when you came into my office.  What is the problem?"

Discipulus:  "Well, as you know I am a single woman and I am trying to find the right man for me.  I want to develop a long-lasting relationship.  The problem is that I just can't find a good man.  They are all taken up by the other women."

The Guru:  "A good man.  I have heard that term before.  Maybe I can help you.  I believe I know what you "think" you want."

What She Wants

The Guru:  "Let me remember.  There is this man.  Yes, I recall him now."

Discipulus:  (leans forward with eager anticipation and undivided attention.)

The Guru:  "This man is just the correct age for you.  He is tall.  By your standards, and all of your friends, he is extremely handsome.  He looks like he would be a professional male model for a major magazine.  His body is in very great shape.  He is healthy, eats right and works out.  In the words of the old fashion,  he  is what women use to call a "dream boat".  I'm not sure why they used that phrase, but they did.

"He has a certain smile that makes you feel like you're going to melt, especially when he looks at you and you alone.  He is soft-spoken and not quicken to any unnecessary anger.  However, you just know, he could easily arise to any force necessary to protect the innocent, especially you.  That "especially you" part, is because he has let you know, in a certain way, that he has a heavy heart for you, and only you."

Discipulus:  (with a noticeable  blush, her eyes express excitement with a slight increase in a smile.)

Guru:  "This man likes you and shows the greatest respect for you.  He is also very respectful to your friends.  Although you have not met his parents yet, you have heard, through the local gossip, that he is very respectful to his mother and father.

hansom man

"He is kind, considerate and knows just how to please you at just the right moment.  He holds you when you want to be held and understands when you just want to be alone.  He doesn't smother you and never plays that needy game that other men play.  He is very self-confident and has  just the right amount of self-esteem without being like that overbearing cocky jerk you have dated before.

"What do you think about this guy so far?"

Discipulus:  (Nodding her approval.)  "Oh, Guru, tell me more.  Yes, yes!  You know.  You know what I am thinking.  You understand my predicament.  This man sounds so wonderful.  Please continue!"

The Guru:  "Very well.  I will continue.

"As I remember from our past discussions, you had some problems with men and compatible values.  Many of them did not share the same values that you shared.

"Well, this man, as I remember, shares a religious doctrine that closely parallels your own.  He even sings in the choir.  I know that you love music and I have heard that he has an outstanding voice.  I know that you can appreciate that, since you have told me that you like to sing also.  He also plays a musical instrument, but I forgot what it is.

"Your world view is the same as his world view.  I am sure that you would share the same political philosophy.

"Am I getting close to the type of "good"men, that you say are all taken up by other women and are difficult to find?"

Discipulus:  "Yes Guru.  Yes, it is so sad to say.  There are none of the type of men left with the characteristics that you mentioned."

The Guru:  "But you are wrong Discipulus.  There are plenty of men available, just like the one that I mentioned.  Let me continue."

Discipulus:  "Well, tell me.  Where are they?"

A Slight Wrinkle To The Perfect Man

The Guru:  "Well Discipulus, I know a lot of men with those great characteristics and even more great characteristics than what I have just described to you.  They are everywhere.  And, they are available and unattached.  However, this one man who I have just described, has, perhaps, a slight wrinkle that most women would not like."

Discipulus:  "Well what is it?  Is it something major like being a serial killer or some off-the-wall thing like that?"

The Guru:  "No Discipulus.  Nothing like that.  The career of this "good man" is that he is a night watchman in a junk yard."

vintage junk yard
Discipulus:  (With long pause,  suddenly, develops a strange expression on her face.)

The Guru:  "What is your impression of him now?

"Also, he is happy being a night watchman in a junk yard.  His career path and ambition, for the time being, is right where he likes it.  

"Also, you are going to have to introduce him to your parents.  Your father is going to ask him to sit down.  Then, good ol dad is going to say, "What do you do for a living, son?"

"He would reply, "I'm a night-watchman in a junk yard, sir."

"Your friends ask you about his job and want to see his photo on his social media website.  He post a photo of himself at work in the junk yard.

"Hello! (pause)  Discipulus?  (pause)  Discipulus are you there?  (Discipulus has long silence and stare at the wall.)

"What are you thinking?

"He is not so "good" now, is he?"

Discipulus:  "Well, Guru It certainly changes the perspective." 

The Guru:  "Yes it does, Discipulus.  But let not your heart be troubled.  There is an answer to your problem."

How to select the good men

The foregoing dialog was a common discussion among confidants. There are many answers to how women find the good men.  The following is a good tool.

group of men

First thing you must embrace, is be methodical.  This is a key thing.   You have to use a method, a system.

Your mind can become your worst enemy in finding the right man for you.  If you really think about it, there can and probably is, many elements and attributes that make up the person that is just right for your relationship.

Because there are many elements, your mind can't sort them out.  It is too complex to wander around with a lot of facts that are necessary, or not necessary, to make a choice.  It is the nature of most humans to concentrate on just the good  elements and ignore or forget the bad things of the candidates you have in mind.  Women make that mistake often and end up with a loser.

Okay, let's get organized.  get out your legal writing pad.  Make sure you have plenty of pages.  You are going to need them.  Remember to take your time.  This isn't done all at one time.

First thing on your "good guy" Decision List is the "Must Haves".  These are the things that you just got to have in the type of person you are seeking.  If he doesn't  meet these elements then no deal.  You stop and don't go any farther on that candidate.  The "Must Haves" are also the things that  you absolutely don't want in the "good guy" of your dreams.

Now a word of instruction on all of this list making.  Be reasonable!  Reasonable and prudent are the key words here.  For example, it would be reasonable that if you don't smoke or you are allergic to smoking, you list that any candidate must not smoke.  It is a must by your absolute standards.

Prudence is on call all the time.  If the candidate you are considering, has a history of some behavior that you, society or the law doesn't like and he tells you that he's rehabilitated and isn't going to do that anymore, stop.  Give this some thought.  Take your time on this one.  You will be setting your self up for some anguish later.  If you ignore this now, it will be difficult later if you want to back out of the relationship.  A prudent person would probably pass this guy up.

But, if you think that men who part their hair like your father is more attractive and thus is a "must have"; this is naïve and some would say stupid thinking.  Put it on the list as a trait that you like.   It is certainly not a must have.

Keep your list private.  Don't share it with anybody.  This is important.  You don't want any other person's bias entering into your decision.  You are the one involved with him, not others.  Especially, don't share with your best friend.  I have seen best of friends torpedo a relationship behind one's back if it seems that it can benefit that friend .  Don't do it.  The best person who looks out for your interest is you.  I'll have some real horror stories on best friends in another related series. 

Your decision list is dynamic.  It will be changing all the time.  Revise it often.  Add elements as they become important to you.  Read your list often.

Main thing is that you construct the decision list.  It is on paper so that you don't forget the elements of what is really important to you and what elements are not really important to you. 

Now, back to the example of the guy who has a job in a junk yard.  You must check yourself on  many of these issues.  Is it the thought of a dirty junk yard not being advanced enough for you?  Is it the money?  Maybe junk yard people make a lot of money and you just don't know it.  Maybe a glamorous loser is more important to you than a stable hard-working junk yard employee.  Maybe he owns the junk yard.  Don't pick a man because he is like a fashion accessory to show off to your friends.

You are comparing your fantasy  priorities in life with what is real.  Be kind to your self.  Give the "good man" candidate a chance by really thinking about what is really necessarily to you.  It may mean the difference between a missed opportunity with one of those available "good men".

I know that this all seems extremely simple to the reader.  Yes it is simple.  But, you would be surprised at how many people don't use this simple method in selecting a compatible mate.  Using this simple method is just that one small thing that is the difference in your life.

It is worth the effort.  Don't be lazy.  Be proactive.  Imagine a parallel example to a basketball game.  Players do all sorts of things to make points during the game.  There is a lot of effort made to score points.  Many times the final score is over one-hundred points.  It is not uncommon for a game, in its finale moments, being tied even.  At the last second, one team member makes a score and the game is over.  The game win is by one percentage point. 

What really won the game?  It was not only the last point.  It was all, and any, effort to make the one percent points throughout the game.  If any of those one percentage points had not been made in the beginning, then that last score would not have won the game.

If you are going to win the game, then take advantage of every percentage opportunity available now.  That one little effort, being simple, is the one thing that puts you "over the top" in finding the mate for you.  Many times, doing the simple tasks, that others don't do, makes a big difference for you.

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships
Amazon Price: $25.00 $2.00 Buy Now
(price as of Nov 29, 2015)
If you want to find the compatible mate, you must first go back to the basics. This book is a classic and one of the best sources to start. It really describes what you intuitive knew and a lot of things that you didn't. Remember, that one point of effort in knowledge will make you a winner and not end up with the "loser".


Jun 24, 2014 2:52am
Great article sage advice and wonderful dialog section.
Jun 25, 2014 11:53am
Thank you for the kind comments and for reading my article.
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