Going to the gym is considered a necessary evil for most people. Sure, you can do plenty of exercise around your house, but the gym has all those body-sculpting and fat-burning machines you just can't fit into your home. So thus, people must flock to gyms that pack people in like sweaty canned sardines. Most people are very sensitive about their bodies, so exercising in front of a bunch of people who may or may not be in better shape than yourself is just the pinnacle of misery. If only going to the gym was as fun as those misleading advertisements made it look. You certainly never see people in full on smile while on the elliptical.
The perhaps worst thing about the gym is the exercise, obviously. I mean, why did they make staying in shape so much effort. Whoever 'they' are surely have no respect for us lazy folks. Jests aside, and you can be sure there will be many of jests to follow, this is not an article to ward against going to the gym, having any pride in the way you look, or exercise itself. This is simply meant to entertain.
One of the biggest ways a gym makes you feel bad about yourself is to line the walls with mirrors. This makes things a bit confusing with the reflections. Let's just pretend none of us haven't gotten confused and accidentally walked into a mirror at some point. However, more irritatingly the mirrors make you watch yourself as you exercise. People who have never exercised in front of a wall of mirrors might not know that they look incredibly silly when they are doing it. It is probably just something they suspect, mirrors however confirm the fact. Nothing like watching your face turn red and puffy after running on a treadmill for 5 minutes.
What are worse are the people the mirrors are there for. Those professional weight lifters or people who are just way too into themselves doing bicep curls while staring themselves right in the face.
The Unknown Machine
In every gym there is at least one machine that is there, looks super complicated, has no directions, and no one ever uses. It has the allure and air of mystery that just draws everyone in. However, most of the time people end up standing awkwardly next to it while they secretly try to figure out its mysteries, then give up and leave.
For people new to exercise machinery, this can be every machine at the gym. However, luckily there are other people around who you can spy on while they use it. It can quickly become terribly awkward when they actually spy you looking at them.
The New Year's Resolution Rush
Ah, New Year's. You get drunk, you eat a massive amount of fried food and when someone asks you what your New Year's resolution is you tell them to go to the gym more. The month of January is a big month for gyms to sell their memberships. It is basically people giving them free money. Probably more than half of people who buy a gym membership after New Year's end up going for two weeks then never again.
However, while the gyms are busy grabbing all the sweet, sweet cash from people the actual members of the gym are out there suffering. After New Year's the gym is pretty much standing room only. Where there are lines at the machines, all the free weights are in use, and there are a bunch of awkward new people standing around stretching, unsure of what to do.
All the Hotties
Why is it everyone at the gym seems to be better looking they yourself? How do they keep their hair from frizzing when they start to sweat or why don't they ever turn red and get all blotchy? Why does everyone have such rock hard definition too? Perhaps it is like that by design. Those with worse bodies tend to stay away, so all that is left is people who are naturally skinny and just need to work on definition.
Sure, go to the gym they said.
Everyone will respect you for working out, they said!
The low self confidence that is fed by all the pretty people around you says otherwise. Boy, that voice is pretty convincing too. No wonder most people dread going to the gym.
There are also those few sickeningly happy couples that said they 'met at the gym'. That is just hard to understand. Who thinks people are sexy when they are pouring sweat and ready to pass out? I can certainly see how it is possible. Certain people go to the gym just to meet people, it seems. Why else would they randomly just start talking to you all casually while you are focusing not falling off the treadmill. Perhaps 'met at the gym' is a euphemism for something more embarrassing, like online dating or mail order bride. Yeah, let's just go with that.
The Locker Room
Everyone knows that any kind of locker room spells bad news. It was awkward in middle school, high school, and still is as an adult. The only time it seems to stop getting awkward is when you are elderly. Apparently at some point in a person's life shame goes right out the door and you are not afraid to flaunt your grey bush at all sort of horrifying angles as you are toweling off. I always recall the episode of King of the Hill when Hank tells Bobby to just bite his lip, keep his head down and count the tiles on the floor. It's advice I have always applied to the locker room. Wandering eyes are a recipe for a bad time. Not only because some images might get burned into your brain, but also because for some reason people see this as an invitation for conversation. The having an awkward conversation about the weather is not the last thing I want to do in the locker room, but it is pretty close.