Delicious but(t) Fattening
Everyone knows how to make a healthy fruit smoothie -- just leave out all the ingredients you really want to add. But sometimes what really hits the spot is a glass of creamy, sugary, high-calorie bliss. Smoothies are incredibly easy to make since all you need is a blender and you can use bruised or overripe fruit. Unhealthy smoothies are rich enough to be served for dessert.
Three-Serving Cinnabon Depravity
Ingredients: 1 Cinnabon brand cinnamon role, 1 frozen apple, 1.5 cups whole milk, 8-10 ice cubes.
For those who have never heard of the infamous bakery chain Cinnabon, their signature item is a giant, gooey cinnamon roll. As comedian Louis C. K. describes it, it's a "6-foot high cinnamon swirl cake made for one sad fat man." His take on what the icing resembles is not appropriate for this family-friendly article.
Directions: Peel and core the apple, cut it into bite-sized pieces, then leave it in the freezer for an hour or two until the chunks are frozen. Next, cut a room-temperature Cinnabon into bite-sized peices and soak them in milk for a few minutes. Puree the Cinnabon and milk on full blast until smooth. Add the ice and frozen apple and blend futher until the pieces of ice are the size you like. You will need a very wide straw for this one.
Chocolate Banana Classic
You could make a traditional chocolate banana smoothie with skim milk, but that wouldn't be nearly as unhealthy as using half and half. If you're feeling daring, you can even use cream instead.
Directions: Cut up the ripe banana into small pieces then freeze. When the banana is solid, put everything in the blender and blend until it has the consistency and texture you like. Serves two normal people, or one pig.
This-Is-Probably-a-Milkshake Fruit Smoothie
Ingredients: 1 frozen ripe banana, 1 frozen apple, 1/4 cup caramel or butterscotch syrup, 2-3 scoops vanilla ice cream, 5-7 ice cubes.
The line between smoothie and milkshake is blurry. According to most food expert sources, a smoothie is an affair of ice and fresh or frozen fruit, while a milkshake is a milk and ice cream beverage. The recipes in this article straddle the fence since they contain the requisite fruit and ice, but also a lot of heavy dairy products.
Directions: Peel and core the apple, cut the ripe banana and apple into bite-sized pieces, then freeze. When the apple and banana are frozen, place everything but the ice in a blender and puree until it reaches the consistency you desire. Add the ice cubes and blend further until the crystals of ice are the size you like. Serves two. Seriously, don't drink this all by yourself.
Directions: Remove the pits from the peaches, but leave the skin. It's a good source of vitamins and minerals and we have to redeem ourselves. Cut the peaches into bite-sized pieces, then add everything but ice to the blender and puree until smooth. Add the ice and blend until it reaches the consistency you like. Serves two.
Alternative Directions: Make a semi-whipped cream base by substituting whipping cream or heavy cream for the light cream. Blend the heavy cream by itself for 20-30 seconds until it thickens. Don't go too far or you'll make butter. Add the peaches, Schnapps, vanilla, and 1 cup crushed ice. Blend until you get the desired consistency and smoothness. Serves two.
Really Naughty Peaches
Ingredients: 1 can peaches in heavy syrup; 1 cup cream, 1 oz peach Schnapps, 1 oz Bailey's Irish Cream, 6-8 ice cubes
This is either a smoothie, a shake, or a very fattening cocktail. Perhaps all three.
Directions: Blend the canned peaches, cream, and alcohol until smooth. Add the ice and puree until you achieve a smoothie consistency. Serves at least two.
Smoothie and Milkshake Making Tips
The thickness of a smoothie or milkshake depends on the ratio of solid to liquid ingredients. If you want a thicker drink, use more banana and fruit pulp in relation to milk. Using frozen fruit instead of fresh fruit will also make your drink thicker. If these recipes are too viscous, you can add water or fruit juice to thin them.
If the recipe calls for ice, blend the other ingredients first, and add the ice last. This will make the smoothie have a more even texture. Sometimes if the ice cubes are too large and you don't blend the other ingredients first, you can end up with icy clumps.
Don't blend the smoothie beyond the point when it has the perfect consistency, or else it will start to melt and lose its wonderful texture. Likewise, smoothies and milkshakes are best when you eat/drink them soon after making them. If you have any left over that you can't drink, freeze it rather than refrigerate it. It's possible to re-blend a smoothie that has frozen solid.
Some curdling will always occur when milk and cream come in contact with fruit acids; it will become more noticeable if your smoothie melts. To prevent your smoothies from becoming pre-cheese too quickly, make sure they are semi-frozen. Using the frozen versions of tart fruits instead of the fresh versions also helps. You can also avoid curdling by using almond and soy milk, or of course skipping the dairy altogether.