Do you know how to tell your cat is plotting to kill you? I do!
Maybe I need to get rid of my cat before he gets rid of me...
Matt Inman has a wonderful web site based on comics he creates, and if you love dark humor that really makes you laugh, you have to check out his site called The Oatmeal. One of his most popular strips is all about his cat - not in a good way most of the time, but rather about how he knows that the feline is out to get him. Much of his comics' appeal of course is the artwork, and the concepts the graphics embody. But there is another side to the whole issue of the cat problems that he writes about, and a few other methods that my cat is employing to make sure I am no longer in his way.
Spot looks innocent, doesn't he?
What Have I Done?
It all started when my wife and I became full time RVers a couple of years ago. Before that Spot, our large male cat, was a typical house feline. He loved roaming the woods of Montana, hunting mice and birds, coming and going as he pleased. He would meow at the door to go out, and scratch to come in, and he pretty much lived an independent life. Sure, he needed us for regular food and water and a warm place to sleep during the day (he is nocturnal, after all), but generally didn't require us for much else. That all changed when we decided to hit the road and live in a trailer and motorhome. All of a sudden, he couldn't go out, because we weren't sure he could be safe and find his way back. I'm sure he saw the entire development as a prison and a personal attack on his independence. Do I sound paranoid? Well, here's what he has done to make me think that he wants my wife all to himself, and his old life back in the bargain. And believe me, Spot's plots make The Oatmeal cat's look like kittens' play.
Spot and Robin relaxing
The most obvious and blatant approach is his attempt to alienate me from her affections. I think that's illegal, but probably not for a cat. He snuggles up to her and head-butts her, looking for belly rubs. He purrs in her face and tries to lay on her chest. He looks her in the eyes and seems to be trying to communicate telepathically. All this, mind you, while actively ignoring me, and even turning his back on me whenever he can. He is clearly trying to take over as man of the RV, and of course I see through his maneuvers. But that's not all.
Have you ever been awakened by a cat yowling loudly in the wee hours of the morning? Let me tell you, it's not very funny at all. In fact, it's downright frightening, and this is where Spot's nefarious plotting is revealed – he wants me to experience flight or fight reactions. When the adrenaline starts pumping, you become anxious, nervous, jumpy, and over time a bone-numbing fatigue sets in. If the cause of the adrenal wearing-down isn't eliminated, there is only one outcome to this scenario, and he knows that.
Along with the nerves being completely unbalanced comes the feeling that this could happen at any time during the night. It becomes very difficult to get a good night's sleep when you expect that any minute the cat will start howling like a banshee and wake you up. So you might as well stay awake and wait for it, which is also a part of his plan to get rid of me. Soon I'll be so tired that I won't even notice what's happening.
Sometimes when Spot meows loud enough to wake the dead (that's me, because I'm a light sleeper), he only wants to communicate. Usually the message is that his food dish is empty. A few months ago he was developing a really bad case of diarrhea and we suspected his dry food was to blame. So after doing some research, we decided to try him out on canned food. Naturally, he loved it, and it seemed to solve all of his intestinal problems. But now he must be given his food according to a schedule – one that he mostly determines. We used to be able to fill up a bowl with kibble and forget about it. Now we have to buy expensive canned cat food and feed him on demand. Did I mention that we are going broke keeping him healthy?
Finally, after a lifetime as a cat owner and appreciator, I seem to be developing an allergy. I can't figure out how he has accomplished this, but I'm sure that it's part of his plot to get rid of me. Probably his body chemistry changed when we started giving him expensive kitty crack – I mean canned food – and his dander became more poisonous than ever. Now I have a constant sneeze, sore throat, plugged ears, and body aches, and I blame it all on him.
It may be hard to believe, but I know Spot is smart – he even has his own blog. I know he has planned all of this in order to make sure that I die a slow and painful death and he can have my beautiful and loving wife all to himself. He has been plotting how to get back at me for ruining his life, and at the same time keeping the food and the petting coming, and this is his method of choice. When I see Matt Inman's cats and their silly little kitten tricks, it makes me laugh, because our cat is much more advanced. I know how to tell if your cat is plotting to kill you, because I feel the results of his evil plans every day, and I see my future in his eyes. A future that I am not a part of...