Big Bang Babe

The Cosmos created her bad, blond self.

I am not a fan of blonds, generally speaking.  Oh, they’re alright, I guess.  [There is one particular blond I gotta big jones for, and though she is a natural blond, she dyes her hair lighter sometimes.  She knows who she is.]

I really likes my wimmen a tad on the darker side, though.  But, occasionally a “sunnier” one comes along that causes my ICBM to rise in its silo under DEFCON 1 conditions. 

TV sitcoms are dumb.  This is a truism.  Sometimes, though, there’s one that has a few smarts.  That show, The Big Bang Theory, was smart enough to hire a snarky blond with a quirky smile, a sneer to rival Elvis’, and enough baby fat still on her girl parts to keep my attention. 

From tender top to bodacious bottom she is a cutie.  She has glowing, honey-blond hair (okay, I know it’s not all natural, just go with it).  Stunning green-to-hazel eyes, like that of a cheap, Kaley Cuoco: Sweetness & SexCredit: Maxim, Mar 2010made-in-Taiwan doll . . . mmmmmm.

Her front door supports a bountiful pair of  . . . er . . . doorbells?  [No wait, “Her front door supports a bountiful pair of knockers,” that’s where I wanted to go with that.]  And her sexy stern is one of the best on television.

These many physical features, as well as her great sense of comedic timing combined with some of the best (and funniest) facial expressions I’ve ever seen, are why I am madly in love with Kaley Cuoco.

Baby Bang!
When the universe came into creation with its Big Bang nobody noticed (’cause, hey, we weren’t even a twinkle in the primordial ooze’s eye yet).  And when Kaley Cuoco was conceived (with a presumably much smaller bang) the only people who knew it were her soon-to-be mommy and daddy. 

She was born on the last day of November 1985 in Camarillo, California.  [What a great post-Thanksgiving treat that must’ve been for her parents!]  Half-Italian (though it’s hard to see that part—no swarthy olive-picker skin!) Kaley’s last name, “Cuoco” translates from Italian Kaley Cuoco: Baby GirlCredit: promo image, title by authorinto “Cook” in English.

The little blond babe was later graced with a younger sister, Brianna.  At the age of three Kaley (perhaps feeling too big for her Garanimals) took up tennis.  She was on her way to being a tennis ace.  It is a sport she excelled in, and was later able to play as a US nationally-ranked amateur (only giving it up when her acting solidified when she was 16). 

She made a break into television at the age of six in commercials.  She ended up doing six spots for Mattel’s Barbie doll line.  She was on her way to a career.

Bigger Bangs
As a budding actress/tennis player (a welcome break from the budding actress/model types normally seen) Kaley Cuoco had enough chops to make several appearances on television while still a child: 1992’s made-for-TV movie, Quicksand: No Escape; TV dramedy NorthernKaley Cuoco: Teen TwangCredit: promo image, title by author Exposure; a spot in the cult-classic TV series, My So-Called Life (the show that launched Claire Danes’ career), in 1994; and a 1996 turn on the sitcom Ellen, playing the child version of Ellen DeGeneres). 

Kaley also snagged some parts in “legitimate” theater (albeit community theater).  She appeared in the Los Angeles-based productions of the Broadway blockbusters Annie and Fiddler on the Roof

In 1995, she made her big-screen debut as the younger version of a lead character in 1995’s Virtuosity, which also starred Denzel Washington.  She continued to work in television, too, getting a hefty leading role in a TV miniseries in 1998, Mr. Murder.  In 2000, she played the part of Marcia Brady (made famous by Maureen McCormick) in another Brady Bunch made-for-TV movie, Growing Up Brady.

When she was 16, though, her acting became her steady form of employment with a new sitcom called 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter (later shortened to the less-wordy moniker, 8 Simple Rules).   Kaley got the part of the oldest child in a sitcom family headed up by TV icon, John Ritter. The show’s premise centered on the stunning teen’s escapades relative to her interactions with young guys who wanted to get with her (and can’t blame them). [In an interesting irony, Kaley’s character was that of the big sis—her “younger” sibling was played by Amy Davidson, an actress who is six years older!  The same age-twisting thing occurred in TV’s Seventh Heaven—the “oldest” daughter played by hottie Jessica Biel was actually more than a year younger than TV little sister, Lucy (played by Beverley Mitchell.]

8 Simple Rules was a hit.  It went on to become an Emmy-award winner, and Kaley Cuoco decided acting would be her true calling.  She gave up tennis as an avocation, deciding instead to let acting take her where it may.

The Biggest Bang!
8 Simple Rules effectively died with John Ritter, who succumbed to an undiagnosed congenital heart defect on September 11, 2003.  After a hiatus, during which Ritter’s death was addressed Kaley Cuoco: Blond & BeautifulCredit: promo image; title by authorand incorporated into the show’s storyline, it soldiered on for a coupla more seasons but finally had to call it quits when ABC, reacting to sliding ratings, cancelled it in May 2005.

Kaley Cuoco had blossomed into a stunning young woman by the time of the series’ demise, and she was beginning to be noticed for her blond California sun-girl good looks. It didn’t hurt that she was personable as well as gorgeous, and she almost immediately got a job as a regular cast member for the quirky, but wildly successful series about sister witches, Charmed.  In its eighth and final season, the show had a hard-core fan base, and Kaley’s presence could hardly go unnoticed.  She played the part of a young woman with magical powers under the care of third-season addition to the series, Rose McGowan (who had replaced the difficult Shannen Doherty). The intent was to spin her character off into its own series, but that never came to fruition

Out of work again, she auditioned for a new program, CBS’ The Big Bang Theory.  This sitcom operated around the fish-out-of-water premise.  In this case, the gorgeous Kaley CKaley Cuoco: Big Bang BabeCredit: CBS; title by authoruoco would be the fish.  She got the part in early 2006.  The show centers on an ensemble cast: two intensely intelligent yet socially-awkward young male college professors; two of their equally nerdy but genius male friends; and Kaley Cuoco, as the delightfully “normal” Penny.

The sitcom plays up stereotypes to the hilt, and Kaley’s Penny is no exception.  She is a struggling actress working as a waitress in a place called The Cheesecake Factory, recalling the old joke:

She: “I’m an actress”
He: “Yeah? What restaurant?”

Regardless that the nerds in the series are brilliant yet complete social faux pas, Penny (as the hottie across the hall) is stellar.  She glows.  She also emotes.  Her face is her best feature (though everything else looks purty gol’ dang good, too).  Her mouth is a bit asymmetric; the left corner is drawn down into the barest hint of a perpetual sneer, reminscent of Elvis

It is endearing.  She uses this to great effect in what I like to call “The Look”—it is something she does physically in response to some over-the-top goober antic of one of the show’s male nerd cast.  Her face freezes, Kaley Cuoco: Hint of SneerCredit: promo image; title by authorthe eyes widen slightly then drop into sloe-eyed disbelief, her lips purse a tad, and the sneer kicks in.  It is enchanting to watch it at work.

And while Kaley’s Penny may not be the most book-larnin’ smart person on the show, her back story has her being a Nebraska-born, corn-fed farm girl with a lot of street savvy and sexual experience.  It’s an interesting twist.  [And another fun fact about her character: while it is certain she has a surname, it has never been uttered in any episode.  She is always just “Penny”.  This was probably an oversight in the original drafting of the character and has now become sort of an insider’s tidbit if trivia.  I’m gonna guess that when the writers get around to revealing her surname it’ll be the main plot device of that particular episode, and we’ll learn she is either the daughter of someone really famous or she’ll have a really strange last name.]

“Best” moments from the show are almost infinite—the writing staff is top notch, the ripostes come rapid-fire, and Kaley gets her share of those ripping lines.  But much of what happens there is physical comedy, and Kaley excels.  And, for me, no bigger highlight came when she was asked by the nerds across the hall to don a Wonder Woman costume to accompany them to a comic book store party.

Kaley Cuoco: Wonder WomanCredit: CBS; title by author

She did it.  And her entrance, with that rockin’ bod and that look on her face, blond goddess that she is, made for some great TV that particular episode.  She did the costume justice. But it was her mannerisms while wearing it (reacting cavalierly to being Wonder Woman, not really embracing it, etc.) that made it funny as well (at one point in the episode, she is seen frumping in her apartment in the costume, drinking a glass of wine).

During the run of the series, Kaley has managed to squeeze in many other TV roles and movie parts.  She also does commercials, most notably as the “daughter” of William Shatner’s Priceline Negotiator in an ongoing ad campaign that Shatner started years ago.

Kaley Cuoco (Maxim cover girl)Credit: Maxim, March 2010

Starting in 2005, she was ranked as one of the world’s sexiest women (and she currently places easily in the Top 100 in that category annually by varying media sources).  Oh, and there’s a rock ’n’ roll animal hiding beneath her blondness.  Kaley is a drum fan, and loves to bash the skins when she can.  She claims it does something primal to her (and I concur because I have seen this happen to women); she appreciates the inner womanly animal that can be released: “Just 10 minutes of it and I'm a different person”.

Kaley Cuoco: Commercial QueenCredit:

And because a straight-up hottie like Kaley couldn’t possibly be allowed to free-range the planet forever she tied the knot with some tennis pro guy on December 31, 2013.  His name is Ryan Sweeting, and Kaley had taken to hyphenating her last name.  But, she was back out on the range again in September 2015 after divorcing said tennis guy.

Funny, sexy, sneering, drummer tennis babe who can really fill out a Wonder Woman costume.  That’s why I am madly in love with Kaley Cuoco!


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