The Queen is Dead, Long Live the Queen


[Mature Content]


Oh, the pain. 

It physically hurts me to have to do this, but I must. 

Those who know me well know that I not only love Latinas but that I think Salma Hayek – in all her haughty, curvaceous head-tossing glory – is the ultimate in womanhood to ever grace this humble planet we call Terra Firma. 

She is Aphrodite to other women’s Artemis, she is Wonder Woman to Super Girl, she is Sarah Palin to any other woman named Sarah (except for Sarah Silverman whom I adore!) . . .

ArtemisCredit: Vic Dillinger, 2011

Salma is to goddesses what the New York Dolls and  Sex Pistols were to music: some indefinable thing that transcended the now and reigned supreme, even if but for one shining, glorious moment.

Sadly, the time has come for me to pass the mantle of true Latina queen from Salma to another.   I have watched this goddess-in-the-making for several years and though I wasn’tSofia's Sassies sure she would ever usurp the Queen’s crown she has.  In all her curvaceous glory, this toothy, self-effacing, hilled-and-valleyed epitome of womanliness is a Colombian-born spitfire. 

She wrangles my cockles (and wrinkles my pants).  Her accented Spanish-inflected English and her every dimple and smooth expanse of woman flesh is why I am madly in love with Sofía Vergara.

Wimmen Explained
Don’t get me wrong – Salma Hayek is still a goddess in my book.  But, dang it, Sofía did it for me several years ago and she has just kept getting better.  At 40 she’s every bit as enticing as she was at 35 (and younger).

And her 32F rack is not her only attraction . . .

Women – of the variety I like to call “wimmen” – are few and far between.  These are the cave women, the ones who ooze femininity, sexuality, and sensuality without being trashy or overt.  They are forces of Nature, and they bring comprehending men to their knees, not always from pure lust (an ignorant man will not recognize the feminine energy even when it is thrown at him, just trust me on this one).  Such cave wimmen you want to oftentimes just share space with.  Being in their presence makes your life as a man somehow better. 


Salma Hayek strikes me as such a woman as does the tattooed goddess of The History Channel’s American Pickers, Danielle Colby-Cushman.  The women in the pop vocal group Celtic Woman – especially fiddler Máiréad Nesbitt – all have this hyper-feminine energy.  Being feminine is not about being effeminate or shy and retiring.  It is an energy born of womanhood to be celebrated and enjoyed where it is found.   There is just something about such wimmen.  They attract and entice without doing much more than merely being alive.

And Sofía Vergara is one such woman.  I rank her among the “wimmen” – Eva Mendes, Constance Marie, Elizabeth Peña, Lola Montez, Jean Harlow, Marilyn Monroe, Yvonne De Carlo, Shakira, and yes, of course, Salma Hayek. 

Hammy Cheesecake
You can always tell a little ham-hock, someone destined for public fame, by looking at childhood photos, and Sofía Margarita Vergara Vergara (the woman so nice, they named Sofia (toddler)Credit: sofiavergara.comher twice) is no exception.  Born, like Salma Hayek, into affluence she arrived in this realm on July 10, 1972, and an early photo of her as a toddler shows what is to come – a hammy little comedic actress who is so cute she is to die for.

Her birthplace, Barranquilla, Colombia, was not a hotbed of cocaine trafficking or other social problems.  It is on the Caribbean coast of Colombia and a major seaport.  Her mother was a hausfrau and her father was a cattle rancher/supplier.  She had five brothers and sisters; considering her looks they must all be equally stunning in appearance.

This Colombian actress was raised Catholic.  Because her old man had dinero, she benefited from an education in a private bilingual Spanish/English school in her hometown.  She later enrolled in college in a pre-dentistry program, spending three years in pursuit of that vocation. 

She was too hot for dentistry, however, and during her college years she caught the attention of photographers.  Two semesters short of graduating with a degree in dentistry she was discovered sauntering along a Colombian beach (no doubt she just showed up and put every other woman on the beach to shame).  

Sofia Go 'Round

Her discovery on the beach led to other modeling offers and, quickly enough, television work. With a rocking body, even as a teen, this natural blond (yes, she is a natural blond, her dark hair color is a dye job designed to make her look “more Latina”) she featured in many print ads.   She felt constrained by her religious upbringing, however, in pursuing such secular activities, but once getting the green light from her schoolteachers, she embraced her role as a public figure and began appearing in commercials.  Her first shot was in a Pepsi commercial when she was 17, and oh, that body . . .

Moving On
She married on the fly when she was 18 (1991) and squeezed out a kid, Manolo, in 1992.  She divorced in 1993, and Sofía moved off to the bright lights/big city of Bogotá, Colombia, when she was 20.  She got a gig as a runway model, and then she worked on television.  She co-hosted a travel show from 1995 to 1998 that was telecast on the international Univisión Spanish-language television network.  From that she became a Latin American star. 
Univisión stations in the US also picked up the show, and her name became common among the US Spanish-speaking demographic.   And as a certain sign she had arrived, at least in the US, she was given a guest shot in the season four opener of the questionably-straight HBO series Entourage.
MantourageCredit: Vic Dillinger, 2011
Immigration Nation
Her father’s wealth and position made his family a target for kidnappers – a common problem in Latin America.  In 1998, her older brother Rafael was murdered on the streets of Bogotá Sofia (Lucky Magazine)Credit: Ben Watts, 2012during a kidnap attempt for ransom.  Because of expanding career opportunities (and unrest in Colombia thanks to the drug trade), she decided to high-tail it to Miami, taking her kid, her mother, and a sister with her. 

From there, the rest is pretty much color-by-numbers.  Latinas in Miami, Florida, are a dime a dozen, but not many look and act like Sofía Vergara.  She got the job on ABC’s sitcom Modern Family in 2009.  She has a natural comedic talent, and she is not above embarrassing herself or doing whatever it takes to get the joke across (this goddess featured in an episode of her starring vehicle Modern Sofia ("Fading Gigolo" promo shot)Family chewing on a shoe – on all fours – as a dog would do.  Let’s see Salma Hayek deign to engage in such shenanigans!)

She was diagnosed with thyroid cancer in 2000, but she did radiation and followed protocols and is cancer free today.  Since then she certainly turned heads with cameos and small parts in 17 films (mostly turds such as Soul Plane and Tyler Perry’s Meet the Browns and Madea Goes to Jail but with some good ones with voice-over work in The Smurfs and Puss ’n Boots).

It is in television that I first became acquainted with the stunning Sofía.  A US Pepsi commercial reminded me of the voluptuousness that was Sophia Loren back in the day, especially when I watched, agog, as Sofía Vergara sauntered and worked her gorgeous hindquarters cross the burning sands to a Pepsi stand in a commercial that also featured – erk – David Bechkam (soccer guy)??

The one where I fell in love (at least with the south end)

Today, Sofía enjoys being forty and fabulous.  She got engaged in July 2012 to a non-celebrity named Nick Loeb (seen here wearing mom jeans and noted as throwing a fit on New Year’s Eve 2012 when she took aWith wanker Nick Loeb (12/31/2012) pic with a fan). During the party, he got into an argument with her over the fan photo op, and had to physically be pulled off her in an altercation!

I don’t know who this d-bag thinks he is – he kind of looks like the goober that invented the Segway PT.  Hey, buddy, that’s Sofía Vergara you’re standing next to, with her curves and 32F rack and big beautiful brown eyes and long-flowing, non-blond hair, who, for whatever dumb reasons, likes your mom jeans and bad haircut and beaker shaped head.  You should be lying at her feet for hours on end worshipping the very ground upon which she stands.

As I would.  Because I am madly in love with Sofía Vergara.



Author’s Note: In August 2014, Sofía was linked romantically to one of the actors in HBO’s True Blood series. The guy played one of the werewolf characters, so maybe Mr. Mom Jeans is on the way out for good. 

Also, she got into a bit of an unwarranted controversy during the 2014 Emmy Awards.  During one segment, she stood on a rotating showcase platform while some guy talked about quality programming, etc.  Nobody noticed what he was saying, all they could do was ogle the sumptuous Sofía in her slinky and curve-hugging floor length white gown.  She took some flak for allegedly objectifying herself, but it was comedy and done for fun, so those people who found it “offensive” need to get over their damn selves!

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